I’m at a crossroads right now. I know that, regarding life, I can go in whatever direction I choose. But I suffer from womanhood; I can’t seem to make a decision. At least not about anything truly important.
This leads me to The New Year. This year I want to make decisions more quickly, more definitively, and with more guts. I’m tired of him-hawing around. I’m 32 and in the prime of my life. Opportunities abound, I just need to figure out which ones to take and which ones to let go of. I didn’t “waste” the last year and a half, but I certainly did diverge from my life plan. Shit, I didn’t just diverge from it, I stomped it to oblivion. The old plan is gone, and similar to my childhood, it’s fun to think about at times until I realize it’s gone forever, maturity robbing it of it’s magic.
I’ve been so caught up in Nick’s world that I haven’t spent much time in my own. Even now, three weeks after his first jump back, I’m still tangled in the mess of discovering who I am and what I want from life now. I haven’t figured it out yet, but I know it’s not the same as it used to be. How could it be? The events of the last year and a half have skewed my view of life and love and mortality and value and purpose and passion and happiness so much so that I sometimes get lost in all the new ideas and attitudes I have developed. And what does that mean moving forward? How can I make the most of life? How can I make it count? Like REALLY count. How can I give the most? Live the most? Love the most? Connect and care the most? Experience and learn the most? How? How? How?
Analysis paralysis. I just don’t know where to start, and that’s the basis for my New Years Resolution: to shit, or get off the pot. Reorganize. Prioritize. And take action! Vague, I know, but this is the first step, to no longer settle for lengthy spans of indecision.