I love this feeling of emerging from a black hole out onto the beautiful pastures of true acceptance. No, I’m not talking about Nick’s accident here, I’m referring to these upcoming surgeries he’s having.
I really struggled this week with the knowing that we’d be going back there again. Hospitals, intense pain, bed rest, wound care, waiting on Nick hand and foot. Call me selfish, but I was really embracing being done with all that. Making the choice to go back to that place again is hard for me. Last summer, we didn’t have the choice. Our lives were just ripped out from under us, and we were forced into survival mode. This summer, we are far beyond mere surviving. We are reshaping and retying the fragments of our former lives. We are learning what is possible now, and flowing with the ups and downs of pain and hope, carving our way through a life we are consciously creating everyday.
With a few surgeries on the horizon though, I’m feeling halted, stalled, and uneasy. What little control we were gaining of our lives, has now been thrust back into The Process. Have the surgery and wait. Have the next surgery and wait some more. Have the NEXT surgery and keep waiting. THEN, we can take the reigns again.
This is a hard pill for me to swallow, Little Miss Control Freak. Yes, three surgeries. One to remove his hardware, and two to get the spinal cord stimulator implanted. In a one hour period this week, we went from NO MORE SURGERIES to spending our summer (and fall) in recovery after recovery.
This is all for the best though. I KNOW this! I know this with every fiber of my being, but it still fucking sucks. I have struggled all week with these feelings to finally get to this place of acceptance. So…
Let’s get ‘er done!
We’re going to get the first surgery scheduled as soon as possible (they said mid to late July, maybe early August) and then just power through it. I’m hoping it’s all over by November and he’s back to working as hard as he is now.
In the meantime, the goal is for Nick to continue training and rehabilitating; to get as strong as possible before taking the blow of surgeries and down time.