I’m starting to feel a little bit better, and I think things are starting to work themselves out in my head. You see, I was so focused on Nick’s recovery for 9 months, ensuring that nothing got in our way, that I completely ignored my feelings. If I seemed like Super Woman -as many of you have told me- that’s because I was. I completely lost touch with my human, emotional side in order to give 100% of my energy to my healing honey.
It’s something that just happened – losing myself. It wasn’t a choice, it was an unconscious reaction. Like the Mom who lifts a car off her child. It was natural, easy, sometimes painful, but never a burden. I spent the last 9 months doing what needed to be done, without spending much time thinking about anything else. My dedication has paid off tremendously. I wouldn’t change it at all. I believe Nick’s miraculous progress and recovery is definitely due to our team work, his sweat, and our friends and family’s support.
He has made incredible strides with his healing over the past month. He is enjoying the fruits of his new independence, including showering and toileting on his own now. I’m still needed, but just not as much. This is great! But it’s also allowed me to connect to the buried emotions of losing life as we once knew it.
I think that’s what I’m most hurt by. Life changed instantly. It was no subtle change; everything changed. A 180 degree change.
Our life together was so bitchin! And then… it wasn’t. It isn’t. But I guess we’re just in the long process of redefining what “bitchin” means to us. Like today, he came home from visiting two different Hobby Shops (after going to the gym) and said he had “so much fun just chatting around with the guys.” That would have been an ordinary experience in our past life. But today it made him feel alive and happy.
I know we will build an awesome life together again. We’ve already begun. I’ve realized that isn’t the issue in my head. I’m not worried about the future. I’m starting to create my future again. I’m still processing the loss of what our future was going to be. I know this now, and just by knowing it, I’m feeling a little better. There were several days over the past few weeks that I had to force myself to smile. And some days I couldn’t even force it. There were days that I didn’t leave the house or answer the phone because I just couldn’t stand to interact with anyone. I was in a cave of mourning, and had no desire to scratch my way out.
But that was then. I woke today with a bit of a spring to my step. I’m not done grieving, but I see the next transition is near. I miss the happy, smiley Lindsay that sees the positive in everything. But I know that taking the time, in my own time, to deal with my junk, is the healthiest, most beneficial thing I could do for myself. I know I’ll emerge a better person. The kind of person who deserves to partner with an incredible man like Nick.