Will be asleep by midnight. Been a rough day, and after the year we’ve had, I couldn’t care less about “celebrating” for New Years Eve. I understand the symbolism of a fresh start, of new beginnings. But I also realize that when I wake up tomorrow that our daily struggles will still be here. Nothing drastic will change at midnight for us, so why torture myself to stay awake for it?
Been trying to come up with the perfect resolution for this new year, and have so many to choose from. There are many areas of my life I’d like to improve. Will pick one, and set a new years intention in the morning.
Happy New Year to all our friends and family. I know 2012 will be better than 2011. Good night.
Archives
All posts for the month December, 2011
We both had a bad day. Everything was just “off,” for both of us. He couldn’t get his pain under control, and his stumps were swollen making it uncomfortable to walk. I had a headache and unusually low energy all day. So we laid low, enjoyed each others company and just honored how our bodies were feeling. I anticipate this might be a foreshadowing of what our New Years Eve will look like. I can’t imagine us “going big!” Those days are long gone.
Nick got a massage chair to help with his pain. I am in heaven! Oh, and so is he. He used it for so long tonight that he’s now sore! Gives him a reason to use it again tomorrow.
MIA is sound asleep, in full sprawl. Love it! Bringing her home was the best idea ever. She brings so much love and laughter to our daily life.
I’m in love with a man who is 4 foot 8 inches tall.
I woke this morning to Nick describing his leg pain in a way he could never find words for before. He likened it to a womans corset. He asked me to visualize a tight leather corset, two sizes too small that was custom fit for my feet, calves and thighs. Next I visualized a hulking, muscular and attractive Roman gladiator pulling it tight with all his strength. That bounded, restricting and tight sensation is what he describes his legs as feeling like all day long. And we’re not really sure why.
Got a visit from our friends Darron and Chelsea, who we haven’t seen since the accident because they live on the east coast. After seven months, it’s funny to “catch up” with someone for the first time. They hadn’t seen his stumps, and we all know how much Fener loves to show off his stumps.
Darron had the brilliant idea of actually measuring Nick to determine his new height. We had been wondering, and guessing, but never actually measured. Well, now we know. Nick used to be 5’11”, but is now a petite 4’8”. If you ask him, he’ll tell you he’s 4’8&1/4”. He needs every little bit he can get. So, I think that technically makes him a midget now. AWESOME!
I just Googled the height requirement to be considered a midget, and discovered it to be 4’10”. Nicks response? “Are you fucking kidding me? There are midgets taller than me now?”
(((Excuse me, it’s dwarfism, I know. And height isn’t the sole determining factor. Just let us have a little fun with this ok.)))
Christmas Day at Mom Feners house. Thanks for the beautiful picture Amanda!
Been feeling a little bit “blah” lately. Maybe that’s why I haven’t written much this past week. The words just haven’t been available. Despite this feeling, I’m forcing it out right now. We’ll call it laptop therapy. I can’t quite put my finger on what this “blah” feeling is. Is there such thing as a 7 month itch? Don’t get me wrong, I am beyond excited about Nicks miraculous accomplishments. That certainly isn’t the issue. But maybe I’m missing having accomplishments of my own. Maybe I am so absorbed into Nicks identity, that I’ve misplaced mine. Even my most prized creation of late, this blog, is about him.
Since we came home from the hospital in July, I’ve been focused on “getting our life back.” Notice that says “life,” not “lives.” I just realized how strange that is to say. That one simple statement sums it up completely. My 7 month itch feeling of “blah” is actually a sign that things are getting more and more normal. It’s a sign that maybe I’m ready to branch out a bit because he doesn’t need me as much as he once did. We spoke today about me going back to work, very part time, whenever I’m ready. The idea makes me nervous and a little bit excited. Nick says that he just wants me skydiving, and if that means I have to work in order to make it happen, then he’s all for it. I love him to the depths of my soul, but still require a little “me” time. I need something that’s mine again, that I enjoy, and that has nothing to do with Nick or his recovery, that’s all.
Speaking of Nick and his recovery…
We had a very busy Christmas and Christmas Eve. Of course I waited until the last minute to do everything. Typical. And when I say last minute, I mean last minute. Thank God I found a grocery store open at 10:30pm on Christmas Eve!
We spent Christmas day with Nick’s family and our friends Amanda and Paul. What a beautiful day! There was so much good food, so of course we stuffed ourselves. My crock pot sweet potato enchilada casserole was not a hit, but my crock pot sweet potato and apple sauce dish was. That’s fine, because we’ve got plenty of healthy enchiladas for the next few days!
Nick walked the stairs at Mom’s house, but this time he pushed himself even harder. Instead of stepping up and meeting the other foot on each step, he put his foot up to the next step and climbed the stairs like normal. That was not easy for him, but what a huge leap from the last time.
Every day we notice something new that is getting better or easier for him. I wish I could remember everything. It’s amazing, and feels so good to be a part of. Like today, he got into the drivers seat of the car like he used to by placing his right foot in first, and then sitting on the seat to bring his left leg in. Such a small maneuver, but he just wasn’t strong enough or coordinated enough to do it before. He can also hoist himself up to standing while at our bathroom sink so he can rinse his mouth under the faucet. Again, something he couldn’t do a month ago.
But the most thrilling change he has experienced this week, is the new pain medication. It’s working! This new medicine has dramatically improved his quality of life. Instead of Percocet, which is oxycodone with tylenol, he is now taking straight oxycodone. With the Percocet, there would be days where he was ingesting over 3000 milligrams of acetaminophen (Tylenol). That’s not good for anybody. And now we’ve discovered that the oxycodone by itself works way better. He is a little more groggy on it, but in minimal pain. He can sit up longer, be more active and push himself harder. His workouts are more productive, and he’s actually sleeping soundly for the first time since May. There were times when he would take 3 pills of Percocet and two hours later would still be in terrible pain. It only worked sometimes and was completely unpredictable. So far, after a week with the new medicine, his pain has been minimal with few, if any, spikes of excruciating pain. What a relief!
Merry Christmas!
Here is a service bulletin recommending that certain Xaos 27 cell canopies be inspected. This was released today by the manufacturer, seven months after discovering a manufacturing error with the canopy Nick was flying when he had his accident. There is a long story behind this and all of the events leading up to this service bulletin. I’m in the process of typing the story to share it on here.
Please share. Thank you!
Some great things have happened this week. We saw Nick’s cousin Mike and his family. We raced go karts, had a fun meal at BJ’s, and finished up with dessert and doggie time at Mom Feners. It was great to catch up, spend time with their growing kids, and go have fun. Thrilled they flew all the way to L.A. from Ohio, then drove all the way out here to see all of us. Very cool.
Then yesterday, while working out at the gym, Nick and I had some very interesting interactions. At the very moment that an overweight man in his late 60’s was telling me that I have big legs and should lighten my resistence, Nick was being approached by a sweet older woman. She was concerned that Nick may not have enough (food, money, love) for the holidays and insisted on writing him a check. She “has more money than she knows what to do with” and wouldn’t take Nick’s suggestion of donating it to a charity instead, because she “gives tons of money to charity.” Here’s this woman whom Nick has never met, concerned with Nick’s comfort and happiness, going out of her way to be kind and giving to him. And not 5 minutes after this, ANOTHER woman walked up to Nick and handed him $40 in cash and gave him a big hug. I’m not sure if he looks hungry and homeless and I just don’t notice it, or if he inspires the loving and giving spirit in others, but we were humbled and speechless when we got to the car, and saw the check was for $500. These women inspire me!
“Girls, look. These stumps are FRIENDLY!”
That’s not really what Mike was saying, but it was something to that effect. Something about showing the stumps some love.
About to embark on a gokart adventure with Nick’s cousins. Mike and Amy and the girls are vacationing out here for the week, and we got to hang with them all day Wednesday. First stop was Pole Position for some high speed action. They were so busy we only ended up with one race. That’s fine, because not only did *someone* crash under the barrier wall, but we couldn’t possibly allow Seth to kick all our butts twice.
Nick’s new favorite stretch. Since he started doing this, he’s made more progress in the last few weeks with getting his knees to straighten out, than in the past few months total. He developed slight contractures after the amputations, and couldn’t fully straighten his knees. And my stretching him just wasn’t good enough. They are almost gone now. With only a few minutes of stretching like this before each time he walks, his range of motion is greatly improved.
Nicks new best friend keeps him company even during a massage.
Got a new iPhone app called Bald Booth. Couldn’t help myself!
It is not joy that makes us grateful. It is gratitude that makes us joyful.
–David Rast
7 months ago today, our lives changed forever. It’s hard to believe we’ve made it this far. I am so proud of Nick. His strength, positive attitude and loving heart have carried us through. I’m grateful for the opportunity to have been by his side, non-stop, everyday for seven months. And I’m grateful every morning when I get to wake up next to him, instead of in a trailer in the hospital parking lot. Reminiscing a lot today. It helps me acknowledge how much progress we’ve made in such a short time. Looking forward to the progress achieved seven months from now.
MIA is the ultimate cuddle partner.
We’re taking a new direction with pain management after seeing his specialist today. Dr Johnson is very good, he’s thorough, communicative, empathetic, and very experienced. At our urging (after several conversation with knowledgeable friends) he prescribed a different pain medicine. It’s a longer lasting, sustained release oxycodone, without acetaminophen. If this doesn’t mean anything to you, just believe me that this is a step in the right direction. Good ol’ Percocet just isn’t cutting it. He typically experiences ups and downs far too often each day while trying to effectively manage his pain.
They are also moving forward with a spinal cord stimulator trial. That is, once Nick receives a second opinion from a pain doc in a larger hospital in a larger city. Dr Johnson is requiring this to make sure there isn’t something he’s missing. He explained to us that this is a matter of timing more than anything else. Nicks injury is still in the healing stage, and therefore his condition is always changing. To implant a device in his spine when we still don’t know the end result, can be tricky. So we are going to consult with the head pain specialist at UCSD in January and see what his perspective is. In the meantime, now that we are actively talking about the spinal cord stimulator, we’ll be doing more research in hopes to gain insight from others with similar spine injuries as Nick.
Our initial car search is finally, and thankfully, over. We got a car tonight. And not just any car, the right car for us. We spent hours and hours doing online research and comparisons. We visited half a dozen dealerships only to pick the salesmen’s brains and test the fit of the wheelchair in the back of car after car. We realized early on that we needed the roominess of a small “cross over” suv. A Corolla or Camry was just too small. If we were going to spend any money at all, it was clear that we required a car that matches our needs. We finally landed with our first choice, the Honda CR-V. Quality, reliability, resale value, durability, and reputation, were the main driving forces behind our decision to go Honda. A few key features, killer gas mileage, comfort, and size were the reasons we chose the CR-V. Nick negotiated an exceptional deal, affordably low payments, extended warranty and a next-to-nothing APR. Buying late in December really does pay off. Honda is even paying the $1000 to get hand controls permanently installed by a qualified mechanic. We now feel safe driving and have plenty of room for all our newly essential “stuff.”
After such a shitty year, it’s a warm, happy feeling to have three notably exciting events happen in one week: engagement, new car, and bringing MIA home. Even though I try to steer clear of feelings of entitlement, I have to say that we really deserve this. To feel genuinely excited about life, about life that doesn’t include Nicks accident or recovery, is amazing. We feel a little bit human again. So grateful!
A fun Thai food dinner last week with the Nocita’s! Thank you Al and Debbie! Al really stepped out of his culinary comfort zone, and liked it. Good call Kim. Nick and I are always up for good Thai.
The weekend before Christmas means shopping and Christmas parties, even for someone with limited energy and mobility. We had two “parties” to attend. “Get together” is a more accurate description for both.
Friday afternoon we went to Apex Physical Therapy and partied with Bill, his support staff and other patients. Hadn’t seen Bill in a few weeks so it was really fun to catch up.
Saturday we went to a small gathering at a friends place and built gingerbread houses and had a gift exchange. The gingerbread was all made from scratch, and the work station was well stocked with delicious and colorful goodies. I love watching peoples creativity flow with fun projects like this. Our friends are seriously talented. I’d post a picture of the winning gingerbread house, but it doesn’t classify as PG or even PG-13.
Today we finally made a move on a car, after weeks of online research and dealership visits. The one day they physically cannot sell us a car, is the day we’re ready to buy. The power went out all over Temecula today, haulting businesses from the mall to Pechanga casino, including all the car dealers. Oh well, this just gives us one more night to know we are making the right decision.
Tomorrow we visit Nicks pain doctor again. Time for plan C. He’s been in more severe pain for the past week and a half since his last cortisone shot. We’ll be investigating how he can benefit from a spinal cord stimulator trial. It sounds like that might be the next step for Fener.
Please excuse me for withholding the givers name, as this was a Christmas gift from a close relative. Wonder if I will exhibit odd and confusing behavior such as this when I get old? How do you eat canned salmon anyway?
One side of my gingerbread house. I might have a screw loose.
The power at our house was out all day.
8am-9pm.
Gym. Mechanic. Grocery shopping. Saw an old friend of Nicks who didn’t know about the accident. New wheelchair delivered. Christmas shopping. Hung out at Moms. All of this to not be home I guess.
We ordered the chair back in June, and it just arrived today. Between the wheelchair, the air cushion, and the shower chair, this company has given us some of the worst customer service we’ve ever encountered. The drama has been building for months now. So glad it’s over. Thank you National Seating and Mobility for bringing lots of unnecesary stress into our lives at a time when we needed help and support.
But the new chair is very, very nice. We thought the loaner chair was alright, but this one fits like a glove.
Did I mention the power was out all day? I would have made a shitty caveman.
Tonight, we finally brought MIA home from Moms house. It’s time. We’ve been thinking about it and talking about it, but it never felt perfect. I’ve been missing her terribly this past week and a half, and decided that’s a sign that I’m ready for this responsibility again. I’m so grateful that she had a loving home for the last six months. Mom and Mike and their little dog Winnie welcomed MIA and fell in love with her. Thank you guys for taking such great care of my baby. Oh, and for letting us have her back! I was half expecting them to just say, “No, sorry. You can not have her back. Go get yourself another puppy from TJ.” You see, MIA dog is special. She will steal your heart and make you feel like the only human in the world. It’s so wonderful to have her back, to have our whole family back together. The big dogs, Xena and Big Dog, almost came out of their fur tonight. There were about ten minutes of sheer pandemonium. After that, it was as if nothing had ever happened. They played rough and ran around together. Xena got a little jealous and tried to “claim” Nick by climbing on him, but in the end, there were no issues or scary moments between the dogs. At this very moment, Nick and MIA are sound asleep, cuddling.
Nick walked up a flight of stairs tonight. Yeah, that’s right, he walked up the stairs at Moms house, without anyone holding him. He practiced it a lot today during our therapy session in the hallway. I had him stepping up and down from a toolbox (redneck physical therapy). When we got to the real stairs tonight, he held onto the handrail with his right hand, and had the walking crutch on his left arm. It was an impressive sight. He moved quickly too. Not normal Fener two-steps-at-a-time pace, but much faster than I imagined. Essentially, tonight we were practicing for Christmas day, because we might not have the man power to carry him that day. We had to seek another solution. Guess we found it!
Wide awake, MIA is hamming it up for the camera!
Just imagine she has pretty little brown eyes. Nevermind the demonic red eye that doesn’t let her sweet soul shine through. MIA discovered immediately that the space between Nicks stumps is perfect for her long, skinny little body. And Nick loves it, since Xena is too heavy to have sleep at his, uh, feet.
Guess who’s back?!!!
MIA dog is home again! Xena and Biggie are so excited!
Nicks stumps have shrunk quite a bit. He’s already double layering 3 and 5 ply prosthetic socks because his sockets are getting too loose. Phil, his prosthetist, measured them today and compared it to just six weeks ago. His left stump has reduced in circumference by over an inch in some places. He’ll be getting fit for the next sockets in January or February. We’ll also be getting him some water legs at that time, for swimming and showering.
Been having some car “issues” lately. Actually, it started back when we were at the hospital over the summer. Thankfully, my beat up, but trusty, little red 2001 Ford Escort never left us stranded while these issues went unresolved. A few months ago, three different mechanics looked at it but found nothing wrong. Now, these past few weeks it’s really been acting up on me. Also, for the past three weeks, we’ve been actively car shopping, online and at dealerships. Since we need a second car anyway (his truck was a stick shift, so we got rid of it) we might as well get it now before the Escort strands us on the side of a freeway. We even borrowed The Nootbaars’ Denali to ride to Vegas in comfort, safety, and style. While on vacation, we had my car looked at again. (I swear this long, boring car drama story is almost over.) Well, $427 later and a new fuel pump installed, we are still car shopping. Especially since it sputtered out and turned off while waiting at a traffic light today, just hours after leaving the mechanic. And Nick swears he’s going to get another 100,000 miles out of this thing! It’s at 142,000 already! Life just can’t get more exciting than this!
I love coming home to my doggies. They have the brightest, most loving energy. They were so happy to see us tonight, but they didn’t care at all about my brand new, beautifully sparkling diamond ring. How rude!
Nick drove three hours today, through heavy rain, thick fog, and even snow. What a gentleman to drive through the shitty weather for me, even though he was sore. I couldn’t believe it when we hit the Cajon Pass and it was snowing on us! I would have appreciated it much more had we not been driving through sketchy traffic in the dark.
We saw two shows this weekend, mainly because the package deal was too good to pass up. We saw Criss Angels magic show “Believe” on Saturday, my birthday night. Then last night we saw Carrot Top. Both good shows. Not great, but good. Criss Angel impressed me with his slight-of-hand tricks using live birds. His illusions were grand as well, making a motorcycle appear out of thin air, sawing a girl in half, and disappearing only to reappear seconds later somewhere far away. He was humble, grateful and very personable on stage. He learned magic at a young age and has practiced and dedicated his life to growing his skills and admirers. He worked hard to get where he is and doesn’t take any of it for granted. At least that’s what he professed to the audience. Would recommend, but only to certain types of people.
Now, Carrot Top made me laugh hard, and mindlessly. If unintelligent dick jokes and prop antics are your idea of a good time, then this is the show for you. I’m glad I was tired. I didn’t have much brain power, and thankfully Carrot Tops show requires very little of it. We were so close we could have spit on him! What a treat it was seeing two shows. We’ve never seen a Vegas show together before, and it’s been over ten years since I’ve been to one in general. This weekend was just special on every level.
We also met a friend for lunch who we haven’t seen in over four years. He and his wife just happened to be visiting from Colorado. We couldn’t possibly miss that cool opportunity to catch up again!
They say, “What happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas.” But the only thing I want to leave there are all the unhealthy habits I reacquainted myself with this weekend.
Love that smile!
Casino exercise.
The hat I had to wear at Dicks Last Resort. Don’t go there if you forgot to pack your sense of humor.
High rolling on the penny slots! On night one he won 80 bucks. We pretty much dominated Vegas in that very moment.
We’ve got some serious catching up to do with our diets and exercise program. In one sense vacation is good for you. But in other ways it’s just terrible. A Starbucks muffin and latte is hardly our definition of healthy. Oops. But we’re coming home Monday rested, refreshed, and ready to get back to work.
Had a sobering realization about his recovery this weekend. Right now he can’t walk unassisted, but he has relatively decent stamina to wheel himself (semi-)great distances. When he gets strong enough to walk freely (with crutches or cane, but without parallel bars), then it’s going to be a whole separate journey building the stamina to go the distances he is capable of going now while in his chair. Get it? We have atleast one more foreseeable up-and-down cycle ahead of us, where getting back to normal might seem further away than it once did. We’re okay with this, just preparing ourselves for it.
I am so grateful for the time spent away from home this weekend. We had a mellow trip, spending most of today in bed because of his pain. But there are no chores for me here, no laundry, no dishes, no appointments. I actually got to relax without feeling guilty. Now I get it. This vacation really helped me to release the busy doing-ness for a few days, and embrace the pure joy of being-ness. When we get home on Monday, watch out Life, because the soon-to-be-Mrs. Fener is back!
I’m still in shock, 24 hours later. Mr Never-get-married officially out did himself. He said he’s been thinking about it for the last year, and seriously planning it for the last few months. He initially wanted to propose somewhere spectacular and get down on one knee (somehow). But really, that’s too traditional, so it couldn’t possibly have happened that way. Proposing while laying in bed, where we could snuggle and giggle (and cry) privately was priceless.
His “clues” about my present really threw me off the trail. He said the gift might last me until I’m 40. He said it had many parts to add onto it in the future, like a GoPro. He kept saying he was worried that I may not like it (understandably so, as I never wanted a ring). And for never wanting a ring, I sure do love it! Now that I have it, along with the proposed commitment it represents, I realize that I never fully understood how magical this could be.
The first person I called was my Dad. Of course, already loving Nick as a son, he said, “It’s about time! I am so happy!” Also adding, “he bought himself a cheap nurse.” Guess Dad forgets just how expensive I can be! Don’t worry Daddy, I won’t let him get off cheap!
Next I phoned Nicks Mom. She cried and expressed that our engagement is “a dream come true!” To hear her say that we are “perfect together” and that she couldn’t have received better news, means the world to me. I never imagined feeling so welcome into their family. It feels really good.
We’ve received some funny reactions to the news. The following names have been changed to protect the innocent.
One of my favorites came from my friend Fitch Brimm. He wrote, “You said yes… really! That dude’s been in bed most of the year and he doesn’t have a job! It’s a good thing he finally proposed. If he didn’t marry you soon we were all gonna beat him about his thick skull with one of his new titanium legs!”
Another favorite came from my friend Slim Lomita. She said, “You got my dream proposal. Might as well have my dream wedding too!” She also exclaimed, “This gives hope to women everywhere!”
My friend Lassie DeNero said, “Of all our friends, you guys were the last ones I thought would get engaged.”
Our recently engaged friend Nanna Jetts said something like, “You muppet, how did you NOT think it was going to be a ring?!” Well, because I was blinded by the clues, and I wanted a damn Xbox!
About the gift suspense, I received this text from my friend Wazza Windwater, “Inquiring minds need to know… Saul wants to know if it’s something he can eat, I want to know if it’s something I can borrow and Moe wants to know if it’s something inflatable, so, wtf is it?!”
And lastly Nicks brother Seth said, ” I am bubbling over with excitement, happiness, joy and pride to know that we are becoming brother and sister and that you are committing to grow old with your soul mate. You two have hearts of gold and I love you two forever!”
I plan to soak up this excitement as long as possible. Yet, there will be no extravagant wedding. Actually there will be no wedding at all until he’s up and walking freely again. He’s not going to be “wheeling down the aisle” with me. Rehab comes first. Getting our life back is second. Then we can worry about getting married. I still have my priorities ya know!
Thank you to everyone for the support, kind words and genuine excitement over this happy time in our lives. We love and appreciate you!
Nick getting a water jet massage. Just 15 minutes of this allowed him to sit up for an additional hour!
My birthday has always felt magical, even into my adult years. No matter how I’ve chosen to celebrate, it’s always my day, filled with love and laughter. This year seemed different though. I was afraid to be around town, not wanting any special attention or limelight, as this year has been a constant spotlight on me naturally. So, here we are, on a mini vacation, trying to escape it all, get some rest and recharge our batteries yet again.
I’ve never been a patient person when it comes to gifts. If you’ve been reading along this week then you know Nicks been torturing me with the vague knowledge that “the best gift he’s ever given me” was awaiting me this morning. I can’t believe I made it until today without going absolutely insane, but I did. And it was worth the wait.
All of his hints made me think I was getting an electronic device of sorts. My first choice is a MacBook Pro (extravagant and ambitious thinking, I know), or maybe a PlayStation to have RockBand and NetFlix. I was pretty sure I was getting a gaming station. He led me on about it! Driving away from home yesterday he said he forgot to grab the gift and didn’t want to turn around to get it. Of course I came out of my skin! How could he forget MY present? I didn’t load it into the car, so he couldn’t possibly have it with him. Yet he assured me he would simply tell me what it was. Oh, and I couldn’t use it on vacation, so why give it to me here? My blood was boiling! I’ve wanted my damn present since Tuesday. Why couldn’t he give it to me a day early? And yes, for the better part of a week my entire world was sadly revolving around the excitement of getting a silly birthday present from my boyfriend.
This morning I woke around 8:30 and discovered that Nick was in terrible pain and had hardly slept all night due to the pain. “Yeah, okay, hope you feel better, but it’s my birthday. Where’s my damn present? You promised I wouldn’t have to wait any longer.” Definitely not my finest moment, I’ll admit. But there was a present, the best he’s ever given me, waiting, just waiting for me.
Laying in bed in our hotel room, he said ok, he’d give it to me now. But I’d better open the curtains for some light because I need to see this thing clearly. I handed him the Man Purse as he instructed. “Great,” I thought, he got me a gift card for a Play Station. That’s hardly the best gift ever!
The next thing I know he’s opening a small square box and showing me a beautiful diamond ring.
“WILL YOU BE MY WIFE?”
I’m not sure what happened after that. Somewhere between my tears and my confusion, I guess I had an angry look on my face while I tried to make sense of the weirdest moment of my life. Nick just asked me to marry him! He went out and bought me a ring and surprised the shit out of me.
I said yes. Of course. I never thought we’d get married, especially since we decided six years ago that we wouldn’t. I wanted to though, and he knew it. He would say things like, “maybe in another ten years” or “yeah right!” So I really was blind sided by this out-of-the-blue proposal.
Engagements, weddings and marriage have always seemed silly to me. It’s about the bond, the commitment, the relationship. I have felt ‘good as married’ since the very beginning. So I am shocked at how special this gesture is to me. Something changed between us this morning at 9AM. Yet at the same time, nothing changed. I’ve known for years that he loves me, and ditto for him, but now, with this expensive and sparkling symbol, the love we share is somehow immortalized. It’s tangible now, I feel it on my finger, glistening with every movement I make.
I tease Nick all the time about what a softy he’s become since his accident. And today it’s come to a head. Maybe over the last six months I’ve proven myself as truly loyal and worthy of a marital commitment, or maybe he sees life differently after his brush with death. Either way, we couldn’t be happier and more in love than ever before. It’s true when they say that whatever doesn’t kill you only makes you stronger. And maybe it can make you a little softer too!
Not a current video, but still great footage. Taken over a month ago, he hadn’t begun to build core strength yet. His form is much better these days and he’s much faster. Next up is swim fins. We’re currently exploring the options for him to be able to swim faster and farther and use resistance to build his leg muscles.
I call this one the DUI moonwalk. He’s practicing walking backward, heal to toe. A great exercise to strengthen his glutes and hamstrings while working on placing his feet with precision.
Practicing his pole dancing moves. No really, he was shakin’ his thang on the pole for laughs. And he got a lot. I love how he can laugh at himself and not take himself too seriously. We laugh all day long, even on the “rough” days. This is likely the key to our emotional triumph over this shitty situation.
Been a bit challenging to blog with a busted Tumblr app and a laptop that won’t switch on. Oh how inconvenient it can be living in a technology dependent world. Will keep this short and sweet to save my sanity, as I’m quite a keyboard snob and don’t enjoy typing with only my index fingers.
Life ain’t bad these days, only strange. Pain levels are higher than usual, yet inconsistently high. We still can’t figure this out. He got his third and final steroid injection into the tailbone yesterday. Hoping for, but not betting on relief. Guess we’ll see. Had an unusually social week with lots of friends around. Feels good. Our new found hermit ways are not normal and need to be put in check.
I promised myself I would not talk about my unknown birthday present, so I won’t, even though I want to.
Nick’s mean for torturing me like this. I WILL get revenge!
I can’t believe he hasn’t caved in yet to my incessant begging. This dude is such a hard ass. Knowing that “one of the best gifts he’s ever gotten me” is sitting in my closet is absolutely killing me. Is there anything else of significance happening in the world right now? Not until I know what the damn present is. Three more days of this torture!
He ordered them yesterday, and here they are. It’s a little premature for hand crutches, but following Nicks life philosophy of “better to have em and not need em, then need em and not have em”, we got some.
Oh, and that handsome lad tenderly holding onto Fener? That’s Dan Fener of course! Rawrrr!
Nick’s a terrible liar. I knew something was up last night when he went out with Nootbaar. He went shopping for a birthday present for me. But that’s all I really know and it’s killing me! Here’s the hints he has given me so far: It’s one of the best gifts he’s ever given me, it’s going to last me a long time, it’s smaller than a car, he put a lot of thought into this, and he went to Temecula to get it. Awesome hints to make me go absolutely mental trying to figure out what it is!
So my birthday is this Saturday and we’ve decided to go somewhere, rather than stick around here. My friends and family have spent the last 6 months tirelessly making me feel loved and special, so a “Lindsay celebration” this weekend is completely unnecessary. I AM asking for something from all my friends though. For my 31st birthday (this Saturday, December 10th) please do something kind for someone else. Go above and beyond, go out of your way to help someone or make a person feel loved or acknowledged. Be creative, be spontaneous, be nice. Give a homeless person some food, buy a strangers lunch, donate to a charity, send a hand written Thank You card, give someone a hug, let someone else have the last word, hold the door for someone, WHATEVER. Spread some love and “no strings attached” kindness out there into the world. That’s what I want for my birthday. Well, that, and whatever it is that Nick got me. And I had better find out soon what it is, or I’ll go insane!
“Here’s Johnny!”
Don’t have a hell of a lot to say tonight. Been a quiet day. No formal therapy for Nick, but we did over an hour of yoga and breath work, followed by a Lindsay-style walking session. Since we’re waiting to go back to Apex when Bill is back, we’re going to be creative and do our own therapy at home.
This evening Nick got swooped up by his buddy Nootbaar for some “guy” time. Still trying to figure out what guys actually do on a bromantic evening out. As girls, we get our nails done, have dinner and talk about our boyfriends. Well, I know for sure Nick didn’t get a pedicure tonight, so I’m still not sure what they did while they were out. But what I do know, is that when they got back home, Nootbaar picked up the guitar and sang songs to us. Nick even sang. I even sang. But I wasn’t going to make up words about fireflies or Reese’s Peanut Butter cups like Fener did, I sang Safety Dance to the rhythm of a Tom Petty song. This is definitely one of those “had to be there” moments.
Back to the gym tomorrow, followed by his last cortisone pain shot early Wednesday morning.
Currently recording the soundtrack for the newest re-make of “Beauty and the Beast”
Time and space are so strange sometimes. We missed our friend Dennis’ memorial tonight and I’m not entirely sure how it happened, but it did. I am just gutted at this missed opportunity to help lift some of our friends who’ve recently lifted us up. But this isn’t about me, I know. It’s about Dennis and all of our friends whose lives he touched, who are mourning as well. Regardless of our absence at his memorial tonight, I will always remember him fondly for his big heart, warm hugs, and genuine kindness. He had such a soothing, easy presence. I liked being around him and am extremely sad he is gone. May his soul finally find peace.
I’d like to say a little more about Nicks visit to the High School yesterday. He was such a rockstar at his old school. He got to chat with two of his former teachers who still work there. I can’t believe they remember him. They even recalled specific stories about him, like the time he brought his big snake to school around his neck. Walking through the school campus, I realized just how old we’re getting. Nick kept pointing to buildings and reminiscing about “how it used to be”. And apparently a lot has changed since 1996.
Our friend Sue has been talking to her math students about Nick since the accident happened. They made cards and signs and have been anticipating his visit for a long time. It’s been weeks in the making. We got there just before one half of the school went to lunch. Most of Sue’s class sat and hung out with Nick during their entire lunch, and lots of students got dismissed from their classes to come and visit. They asked lots of questions, mainly having to do with his tattoos and skydiving. We really hoped to leave them with an inspirational message of following their dreams or never giving up, but that didn’t happen. Somehow, some way, the big lesson of the day was, “wait until you’re older to get your tattoos, otherwise you’ll end up with something you regret.” Good, honest advise, yes, but it’s just not how we planned it. Guess we can chalk that up to “knowing your audience”. It really was an incredible experience. They had genuine care and interest in Nicks story and his recovery. Thank you Sue for setting it up and creating a great life-learning environment for your kids. And the cake was excellent as well!
Nick with our friend Sue Lockhart. Notice the whiteboard behind them.
Nicks first go as a motivational speaker, telling his story and answering questions with students from Mrs. Lockharts’ math classes during their lunch break.
One of the posters from Mrs. Lockhart’s class. It’s huge, and they sent it home with us.
Nick spent a solid 3+ hours at the gym today, training, stretching and swimming. This was the second time he went off on his own to do something. How empowering. He says it’s definitely easier when I’m there to help. By me assisting him, he can conserve his precious energy for the activities that really matter, like walking, crawling, swimming or working out, instead of breaking down his chair or trying to pull his shorts up by himself. But on the flip side, the more he does, the easier it gets. There is such a fine line there, because the real unpredictable variable is pain. When it’s high, I’m more involved. When it’s low, I back off. But it’s different day to day. Again, another lesson about living in the moment.
We went to Pole Position today, and Nick raced with us. Of course, he smoked me (and my girlfriend), which we did not anticipate. Those little karts are cool, but their hand controls are very uncomfortable. His thumbs will probably be sore tomorrow.
He got a little alone time tonight, a rarity these days, but still very necessary. I crave and require alone time, so I can only imagine how nice that felt for him.
He wouldn’t hold still long enough to get a clear picture, but even with this blurry one you get the point. So, this whole go-kart thing was a total accident today. I was simply going to play with a friend for an hour and do a race or two. Nick just came to watch and was joking when he asked if they had a car with hand controls. Ten minutes later we were doing laps. Even with the backward and awkward hand controls, he still beat both mine and Cassie’s times. What a bad ass! And what a treat for him to play and have fun like this, even only doing one race (16 laps). A definite do-over, for sure!
Thank goodness for Dan Fener, for being THE best girlfriend-for-a-day today. That sounds weird, especially since Nick and him are brothers, but he saved my butt today and I’m really grateful. I screwed my neck up, again, last night, and was basically useless today. Nick was having quite a bit of pain today too. This pain thing is so random. Being in the pain I’ve been in today and last night, I am again reminded of how much I take Nick for granted. He rarely complains, and here I am unable to shut up about my damn neck. He usually handles his pain with such poise, something I’ve never been able to do. If our rolls were reversed in this, I’d probably drive him (and myself) insane.
Looking forward to a fresh start tomorrow.
Nick Fener 