Sunday July 31, 2011

Some days I have to hyper motivate Nick Fener. Like today. When he is hurting, he doesn’t want to get up, or get out to do anything. I’m all about getting up and out of here. My cabin fever hasn’t got the best of me, but I’m certainly not going to let it think it’s winning. And I understand that it’s critical for Nick to get upright and moving more often throughout each day. One work out, then hours of rest just isn’t going to cut it. It isn’t going to cut it for me either. Nick needs his rest. Rest is important for his healing, but so is moving around and being active.

It’s been seven weeks since the amputations, and Nick’s stump wounds still aren’t healed. They are healing very slowly. On his right leg, there are places that are completely healed and beautifully healthy. But there is also a place that is still wet and oozing. I change his dressings daily, and it’s barely improving. Might be time to see a doctor soon. His left nub is still scabbed all the way around, but it’s healing and looking healthy.

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Me. And my MIA girl!

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Hanging out in Canyon Lake. Nick grew up here, so it’s beauty is usually very common to him. But not today. We both appreciated the gorgeous environment from a fresh perspective.

Saturday July 30, 2011

Well, the summer is nearly half way gone, it’s hot as Central Africa outside, and Nick and I are both tired of him being injured. I’ve decided we need a mini vacation before we head off to round two of surgeries and hospital life. Even a daycation would do. Somewhere beautiful. Somewhere so beautiful that even though life’s daily challenges can’t possibly disappear, it won’t matter because I’ll be so distracted by the beauty.

After a rough morning, we tried a super mini daycation this afternoon. We grabbed the MIA puppy from Mom’s house and went down to a park in Canyon Lake to watch the boats. Surrounded by such a brilliant landscape was absolutely necessary for me today. And although I enjoyed myself immensely for the 40 minutes we were there, I couldn’t help but wish we had less physical limitations in order to have more fun. Being out on a boat, cruising on the lake, sounded like the best place on Earth. Oh, and it was just way too hot for Nick out there, wearing that turtle shell brace.

We did end up geting a great stretching and therapy session in today. Nick crawled back and forth several times with very little assistance from me. Next, he got up on his knees, used a walker for support and held himself almost upright for a brief time. His legs are very weak. It took much effort to keep him from falling backward or sideways. I accidently let him fall over the other day while crawling. I just got a little confused as to whether he was going to move forward or back, and I had my hands away from his hips briefly. Oh I felt so terrible. I will never let that happen again. The painful scream that came out of his mouth as he fell on his hip down onto the therapy table was aweful! Today was much more successful on the table though. No more Linny the Lazy Spotter.

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Our first front yard bonfire since being home. We’ve been aching for some outdoors.

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Sometimes we trip out that Nick had his legs cut off. Most of the time it’s just completely normal. Then, without warning, a jolt of realization shocks us. “Holy Shit Nick has no feet!!!”

Friday July 29, 2011

I should have known that today would bring such a major bummer. After such an amazing evening last night, I guess it’s inevitable to have a serious ‘low’ the next day.

Today Nick started with a new physical therapist (more about this amazing transition later). On the way there, Nick’s stomach started to bother him a little bit. Within 15 minutes of being in Bill’s office, Nick was on a table, curled up in a ball from excruciating stomach cramps. Since Nick could barely move, we just chatted with Bill and received a lot of knowledge and great ideas for our home sessions.
About a half hour into the session is when the nausea set it. He spent the next thirty minutes with his head hanging over the side of the therapy table, staring into a trash can. The sheer helplessness we were experiencing, watching Nick writhe and grimace in pain, was frustrating and painful. And why was this happening during his first therapy session? Couldn’t it have waited until we got home?
He never ended up actually vomiting, just some spitting up. We managed to get him out of there in one piece, into the car, and home in bed. Of course, the pain let up a little once we were on the way home.
Having these little bullshit setbacks happen are just so maddening! Why!!??
Well, he’s sleeping now, peacefully, cuddling with Xena.
Guess we’ll try again on Monday for a proper therapy session.

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So, tonight was ridiculously fun. Absolutely, positively, absurdly fun. Maybe not for everyone involved, but certainly for me.
Fener Family poker night.
And I apologize upfront for everyone not expressly invited, as the table became over full before even inviting one person. What a great crowd. I laughed all night, and even made it to the final four. And if you’ve ever played poker with me, then you know that I know the rules, and I know how to play, but I just don’t have the hands memorized in winning order. That sure comes back to haunt me, every game!! You’d think I’d memorize it by now. Flush beats Three of a Kind. Duh. But I made it to fourth place, and Nick won! Yeah! That’s my honey! Well, technically he split with Mikey. But good job anyway. Adapting and overcoming inspite of the pain.
Maybe our evening zest was because of the fact that we laid around all day. We didn’t get dressed and leave the bedroom until 5:00pm today. That is not like us at all! We are real ‘do-ers.’ To lay around until evening is unheard of for us. Apparently we needed the rest. I don’t think I’ve done that since 8th grade. But I have to say, it felt really good to be lazy for a day.

Thursday July 28, 2011

It’s 1:00pm on a random Thursday. We’re still in bed. Guess we’re entitled to a day like this every once in a while. Every time we are about to get up, we think of one more thing we can do while still lying here. Maybe we’ll be up for dinner!

Wednesday July 27, 2011

Nick’s phantom pains seem to get worse toward the evening. Even tonight, after having an acupuncture session several hours ago, his phantom pains are going strong. Only his right leg though. He says he wouldn’t be able to stand it if both of his legs were having these pains. Rubbing the nubs and stretching helps tremendously, but nothing has stopped it completely yet. Yet.

Currently watching Men of Honor. If they wanted to make a motivational and inspiring movie, they should have made him a double amputee. THEN he’d be a hero! Kidding! Actually, seeing a man return to such a physically demanding job after losing a leg, without modern technology, is truly amazing. Just yesterday Nick turned to me and said he wants to try working in skydiving again in a few years when the timing is right. For weeks now, returning to professional skydiving has been seen as the ‘never again’ idea. But Nick truly loved it, and wants it again. I know he will do anything he sets his intentions to. He’s tough!

Tuesday July 26, 2011

You’ve got to learn to crawl before you learn to walk. So, we crawled today. Forward and back, forward and back, over and over again. He says it’s such an odd feeling finding your muscles again. His forward movement comes much easier than his backwards movement. The backs of his legs and his glutes are still quite numb. We are training them for strength he will need in order to walk again.

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I hadn’t seen these three special people since the day of Nick’s accident. I was having lunch down on Coronado Island with Kalish, Doug and baby Tiernan on a very rare day off, when I got ‘The Call’. As I contemplated picking up the phone during lunch with friends, I joked around about it maybe being ‘The Call’. But I had always envisioned I’d receive it from a different mutual friend than the one who was actually calling right then.
So it was special seeing them again tonight, in a much less stressful situation. And look! Nick is such a natural, don’t you think? Maneuvering a wheelchair, all the while calming a tired and fussy little man.

Tuesday July 26, 2011

Had a repetitive thought this morning.  Must be a sign that I need to post it.

While showering and brushing my teeth this morning, side by side with Nick in his wheelchair, I kept feeling deep gratitude.

I am so BEYOND grateful for having him with me still. I don’t care how hard this is, it’s worth it!

Monday July 25, 2011

I would have considered today to be fabulous even before Nick’s accident. Today was really quite a nice day. No tears, no frustration, no messes. After a leisurely lie in, we stretched and did a challenging leg and torso workout this morning. Then Mom showed up to spend quality time with Fener while I got an overdue pedicure with two amazing girlfriends. Ahhhh!! Then two different, equally amazing girlfriends met me at home to help me sort through a spare rooms worth of rubbish and keepsakes. A bit of localized clutter isn’t the end of the world, however, lately it feels like I’m drowning in it. But not anymore! Thank you girls! Nick also got to spend time with two separate long time friends whom he hasn’t been able to see until now. Then we enjoyed a bit of lazy TV time tonight accompanied by Shepard’s Pie and fresh fruit.
I rubbed the nub for a few hours as well. Rubbing the nub equates to zero phantom pains. I’d rub his legs all day long if I could. I’d do anything to get him out of pain right now. We have another acupuncture appointment this week. We will also be using hypnotherapy. Not only have I had positive personal experiences with hypnosis, but we heard much praise about it from another bilateral amputee who used it to conquer phantom pains. Apparently mirror therapy isn’t very effective on double amputees because they don’t have a healthy limb to associate with. Bummer, we’ve heard many positive things about trying mirrors. Again, we’ll try just about anything right now.

Sunday July 24, 2011

We went to a delicious Sunday brunch at The Lodge in Canyon Lake this morning. Since Nick grew up there, and knows everyone, I figured it would be a mad house of people coming up to us and chatting. I was completely wrong though. We ran into a few people who were very sweet and happy to see him, but also saw an old friend who definitely saw us and never came over to say hello. It would be very easy to judge, and say, “What an A-hole! Why wouldn’t he at least say hello?” But it’s also easy to see how weird it must feel to see Fener, with no feet, wearing a back brace, rolling in a chair. It’s 50% our fault for not approaching him. It’s really easy to judge others actions while sitting in a position of recent tragedy. But we just can’t. It seems that nobody really knows how to handle tragedy until it hits too close to home.
I am truly sorry for all of our friends and family who feel that Nick’s accident was a little “too close to home.” It sucks. Being in the daily grind of such a colossal tragedy has really inspired me to see life in a different light. To put a little spin on every situation. Because they are just that: situations. Anything in life can be seen as good or bad. I’d like to begin seeing everything as good, if I can. Late last night I chose to smile and laugh as I was disinfecting the bathroom tiles after a messy accident. Getting upset would have made me feel bad. Laughing just made it all ok. I want to experience that sort of conscious positivity in many more areas of life. I choose to be happy.

Saturday July 23, 2011

Going to the dropzone today was the best, most therapeutic thing we could have done. It was unplanned and unannounced. Totally random. I was nervous as we pulled into the parking lot. Despite being generally outgoing, I’m often socially awkward. Skydive Perris is my home, but I still had butterflies as we walked up. It only took one loving bear hug from Steve to initiate tears of joy and the release of any apprehension. Everyone was so happy to see us. So happy to see Fener. Nick was all smiles, jokes and stories. Talk about reestablishing a sense of normalcy!! Seeing our friends land their parachutes was so peacefully intense. We went out to the grass landing area and stood on the spot where Nick landed after his canopy collapsed.

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Nick sitting in the exact spot where he hit. Within moments of arriving at the dropzone, Nick just had to be out on the grass where he landed on his last jump two months ago. To his disappointment there was no hole, no bones to dig up and no plaque! We can’t believe nobody erected a twelve foot memorial in the shape of his feet right there, in the middle of the grass landing area! How rude! His feet deserve proper recognition!

Friday July 22, 2011

We had a very positive day! Yes! Finally!
The prosthetic dude we met with today, Phil, totally knocked my socks off!!! I found out why the other guy whom we liked chooses to have his leg done by Phil. He is incredibly knowledgeable, experienced, communicative, and interested in Nick and his well being. I could see right away that he was approaching Nick more like a potential friend, than a potential paycheck. For all the time they will spend with each other over the years, they will definitely become friends. Most people Nick deals with become his friends anyway, so I’m not sure how I thought this would be any different.

Friday July 22, 2011

Today is the nine week mark since Nick’s accident. I look forward to a time when this is all just a faded memory. When I can’t recall how many weeks it’s been.
This morning we celebrated such a momentous occasion by visiting his spine surgeon. Alright! His next surgery is scheduled for August 18. That’s four weeks from now. We are, of course, not happy about this. We want it done tomorrow. Or better yet, we want it done last week. But the surgeons and their schedulers aren’t budging. So August 18 it is! That gives us four weeks to focus on strength and flexibility. The goal is to build up strength as much as possible, and try not to slip backwards very far while he’s recovering from the next surgery.
During this next surgery the plan is to approach the anterior column and build a metal cage where his L5 vertebrae shattered. They will fill the cage with his own bone, either from the vertebrae fragments presently there, or from his hip, or both. They may even use cadaver bone. He already has cadaver bone in his wrist, so what’s a little more?? They will then fuse the L5 cage with S1 below and L4 above. But since L4 was badly broken as well, it may not provide enough support. If during surgery they discover this is the case, they will then build a second cage for L4 as well, and fuse the set to L3 above. This will essentially make those few vertebrae one solid bone. After that heals completely, his spine should be the absolute strongest it could possible be after such a traumatic injury. We’re hoping for Rambo strength as he has no plans of slowing down once he’s up and at it again.

We have another appointment today as well, to check out a different Prosthetist. This guy is in Murrieta, which is significantly more convenient than seeing a guy in Redlands. I hope he knocks our socks off! Well, my socks anyway. Nick doesn’t have any.

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In and out of the car… No problem! Just can’t drive for too long, that’s all.

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Yes!!!! Super awesome to play poker with friends at our place! Nick was pretty miserable the whole time, but so excited to be Livin’ again. When he finally couldn’t tolerate the chair anymore, and needed to lay down, he had to try a couple of times to go All-in before going All-out. Of course, that’s the way it always works! Congratulations to Dan Fener for beating us all!!!

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This was lunch two weeks ago. A great afternoon with my Dad Frank and Nick’s Mom Sandee. I love getting our folks together! I’ve been spending a lot of holidays with the Fener’s, and my Dad often joins. They always make him and me feel so welcome. Like kin!

Thursday July 21, 2011

This is ridiculous. I’m too XYZ, you name it, to get anything done around here. I’ve turned into a frazzled stress case who is incapable of prioritizing or accomplishing anything. I’m tired of it. I’ve asked for help. And I’ve received it. Phew! I’ve been so overwhelmed, that two days this week I was completely unable to accomplish my number one objective, Therapy with Nick. Literally two of the four days this week we did not do proper therapy together.
ENOUGH!
Tomorrow, and each day after, will be a different story. More stretching, strengthening, loving, and fun. A day without doing something fun is a complete waste. Fun is normal for us. We NEED to feel normal again. We want more friends around in the evenings and late afternoons. But not just for a “visit”. You “visit” sick people in the hospital. We want to hang out and have a good time with friends. BBQ, life-size Jenga, RockBand, poker, sushi, whatever!! Ahhhhhhh!!!

Ok, I’m feeling better this evening. So is Nick. Things are coming together. His pain was a little better today. Tomorrow will be even better!!

Wednesday July 20, 2011

Damn it I am just not inspired today. Yesterday I thought maybe life was getting easier, now today I’m not too sure. The ups and downs are killing me. I am emotionally wrecked. Hoping tomorrow brings more reasons to smile!

Tuesday July 19th, 2011

Life is getting easier. Well, for me anyway. I don’t think Nick feels the same way though. Routine is my friend right now, and we seem to be slowly developing a rhythm. Those first two days at home were rough, and now we are getting the hang of the little things. Transfers are getting easier and so is navigating the household obstacles. And while our daily schedule is hardly etched in stone (more like sand) we are sorting that out as well.
Today was Day 1 of outpatient physical therapy. It was actually only an evaluation, but it still counted as one of the few visits our insurance allows per year. We miss Ballard already. This place was barely twice the size of our kitchen. And frankly I’m not sold on the facility or the therapist either. We still plan to investigate a specific place closer to home. Wish we had done that first. You know what they say about hind sight. You don’t need as strong of prescription lens’ with hind sight. Or something like that! And since he has so few visits allotted to him, we decided to not waste them now during his “strength building” phase. We learned so many home exercises at Ballard. We want to save the majority of his formal therapy sessions for later, when he receives his prostheses and needs professional training on how to walk again.

Nick’s phantom pains on his right leg are out of control. He is only on a mild dosage of pain and nerve medicines, and has been for quite some time. Yet, the phantom pains are getting more frequent and severe. Tomorrow he is trying acupuncture to help alleviate that. We are willing to try anything within reason. Acupuncture is amazing. We are following a trusted referal for a guy who will be coming to our home tomorrow. There’s something incredibly healing about having a fabulous treatment like acupuncture or massage in your own home, and not having to drive on the crazy roads of Southern California afterward. I’ll post a picture of Nick after his treatment. I expect his unblocked Qi and radiant aura to be shining through in each photograph.

After his therapy appointment we decided to use the restroom. The Men’s restroom. Man, I could write an entirely separate ongoing blog titled: Adventures in the Men’s Room: Groans, Grunting and Foul Odors Observed from a Female’s Perspective. The “feel” of the men’s room is just so different than what I’m used too. I can’t tell if there truly is a different vibe in the men’s room or if it’s just the fact that I’m somewhere I shouldn’t be. It feels a bit forbidden. A bit dangerous. Am I afraid of being caught in the stall? And who do I think I’m fooling? What dude has orange toe nail polish and a band of pretty stars around their ankle? We’re not in West Hollywood. We’re just in the handicap stall in some random public building in Riverside County. No big deal. Right?

Monday July 18, 2011

Is it really mid July already? Time is passing like I’m stuck in a mudslide. It’s thick, muddy and overwhelming, yet moving at a rapid pace, fast enough to be fatal. If I didn’t know better, I’d guess we were having a heat wave in mid April. Yes, I’m that out of touch with the world.

Today was lackluster. Slow. Breezy. Unproductive. Reality must be setting in. We weren’t ready for therapy until 11:00 AM. Then, I worked his legs so hard, he literally fell asleep on me and woke up sore! Oops? Or Yay? Both!! He starts formal physical therapy tomorrow at an office in Temecula. It’s only thirty minutes. That’s how long it takes us to get there! And they told me the sessions are designed to train us for home exercises. Hope we aren’t wasting our time.

Nick’s phantom pains seem to be getting worse and worse. But only on the right leg. His left leg is fine. His right foot keeps burning. Yes, his foot. He says it feels like someone keeps putting a cigarette out on his arch. Rubbing his nub helps alleviate the pain though. And today, we finally took his therapists advice, and touched the bare stump with random stuff. Ice cubes, fur, metal scissors, hair brush. The sensations felt good to him. We are trying to train his brain to understand that his leg now stops at the stump. That his foot is no longer there. At some points today his phantom pain was unbearable. I hate that! It’s very painful to see my love so miserable.

Sunday July 17, 2011

We had every intention of going down to Skydive Perris this afternoon to say hello to everyone. I swear! We really wanted to. And then… reality set in. Our daily life is exponentially more difficult now that we are home. There are no nurses to over see his moment to moment needs. They are not here to remind him to take his medicines, take a shower, use the restroom, do therapy, eat meals, wake up or go to sleep. I know those sound like silly little things, but with such a serious injury and life altering outcome, all the ‘little’ things are easily overlooked because they are often the most challenging. And it’s all these ‘little’ things that totally kick our ass. Just to get up and go to another room takes five or more minutes.
Life is just so strange now. Nick is fairly independent, yet at the same time, so completely dependent upon me. We both can’t wait until he doesn’t need me in order to get through the day. We can’t wait until it’s not just a matter of ‘getting through the day.’ Each day is a new opportunity to Get Busy Living, especially now at home.

I spent all afternoon and evening unpacking our house, tending to Nick, and creating lists. Yay, fun! Actually it was fun, since I consider the absence of stress to be fun by default. Having my entire bedroom and bathroom in boxes is stressful! But I’ve made a sizable dent in it now.

The next few days will mainly consist of buttoning up many loose items relating to Nick’s next surgery. Then we get to do this all over again. Yay, fun! Ok, not fun. Dreadful. Yet, we both understand this surgery is necessary in order for Fener’s back to be as strong as possible. His spine needs to be able to withstand the opening shock of a parachute because he does plan on jumping again. He was told to wait at least one year after his last surgery. One year is just a minor blip in eternity if it means Nick is able to live his passion again. In the meantime he’ll just have to watch me have fun.

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Thank you Rico for building a gigantic paper mâché penis… and then having everyone at the dropzone autograph it! By far THE most unique gift Nick has received. We love it! Not only is it personalized, thoughtful and a great conversation piece; it goes perfect with our home decor!

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Ooops. I really had much more to say last night before accidentally pressing send. So if you haven’t heard that we are home, go read my last post.

Nick has come a long way. I honestly thought we would be in the hospital until September! But here we are, at home, a mere eight weeks after his trauma. Unbelievable!
I came really close to losing the love of my life. That’s an experience I do not wish upon anyone. But I did not lose him. So I am grateful beyond all time and space to still share my life with him. Obviously he has great unfinished work to accomplish during this lifetime.

Now that we are home, it’s completely up to US to keep moving forward, to keep getting stronger, to get him up and moving as quickly as possible. Everyday we will have a strict home therapy schedule with strengthening and stretching. Insurance is really tight with outpatient therapy allowances, so we will be doing our own therapy daily. One of the most exciting items to come home to yesterday was a custom built, super bad ass, therapy table!! THANK YOU VINNIE VERDOORN!!!! Wow. Wow!! Now we have a cushioned, yet rigid, surface to work on Nicks flexibility and power. It’s beautiful and we cannot wait to use it everyday.

Saturday July 16, 2011

We are HOME!
We are HHOOOOOOMMMMMMEEEEEE!!!!!!!!

Yes! We’re home. Like, at our house, on our couch, in our bed, on our porch, with our doggies… HOME! I worked extremely hard the last few days preparing for this. So did a few special helpers. Thank you! And for such a warm, joyous, fulfilling moment, it sure was coupled with insane levels of stress. We both left Ballard with red, teary eyes from joy, relief and gratitude. We arrived at home with red, teary eyes from frustration and pain. What a roller coaster. From unpacking the trailer, to packing the car, to arranging all supplies and equipment, to attempting to fill prescriptions (at two different pharmacies), to unloading the car and sorting out our house. Our master bedroom is packed up in boxes from the bathroom demo, and I brought in tons of bags. I CAN’T FIND ANYTHING!!!
But, finally being home after eight weeks of fighting and surrendering and fighting some more…. well, it’s indescribable.

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Holy mackerel! That’s quite the incision down his back. But chicks dig scars! Right Fener? His nurse must. She left this sweet little love note on a heart shaped bandage, right on his butt!

Friday July 15, 2011

Here’s a hypothetical question (with inspiration based on a true story). If you went to a restaurant named “THE MUG”, how many beers would you expect to choose from on tap? 10? 20? 30? Well, only in San Bernardino would you visit a place called “THE MUG” and have the innumerable selection of draft beers be only Coors and Coors Light. That’s it. Really? Come on now! “TWO BEER TAP” is a much better name to represent reality.
So tonight at “THE MUG” with Seth and Nancy Fener, Nick tried out a new story on the unsuspecting waitress. This time, he began with the tall tale about his girlfriend not liking his stinky feet. Then when she didn’t buy that one, he offered her the truth: a polar bear attacked him. Excellent attempt Fener, but Seth was across the table just crying from laughter. She was so confused.

Today was Nick’s last day of therapy. We practiced getting up off the floor if he ever found himself down there unexpectedly. If he keeps doing those damn unspotted wheelies, I might just leave him down there! But anyway, it was a piece of cake. Nick’s still a pretty strong guy, and with a little finesse, can pull just about anything off. Anything but walking yet. Because that would be sheer magic at this point. Just give him a few short months, and he will be impossible to keep up with.

All of our unnecessary items are packed up and ready to go home soon. In fact we will be out at Skydive Perris on Sunday afternoon. Come say hello to Nick. Just don’t push him in the pool. We don’t want to mess up his loaner wheelchair.

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Look! They’re little foot cookies! We’re leaving soon, so as a token of appreciation to all the Ballard nurses and therapists, I ordered six dozen, specially baked, foot shaped cookies to give everyone. We also drew up cards for our four favorite nurses and one favorite therapist. I hope this tiny token of appreciation shows how much of an impact they had on us.

Thursday July 14, 2011

I love my friends! Holy cow… I seriously have the best friends in the whole world. What am I saying? WE have the best friends EVER! The tireless dedication, love and support from our amazing family and friends, near and far, is the secret to our success. Thank You!

So, Nick and I have made a few commitments to one another in the past few weeks. Actually, it’s been more like me making him promise not to hurt himself any worse during this healing process. I want him to push himself like a maniac to get stronger, while at the same time making good decisions and being safe. I probably remind him to “take it slow” several times a day. Usually when he’s sliding across a thin piece of wood with only hot asphalt below to catch his fall. We have NO room for set backs! A fall on those sensitive stumps would be excruciating and costly. One of our other commitments is that while he is still mastering wheelies, he only practice while a spotter is behind him. I’ve been very clear with him that I don’t find head trauma to be very sexy. So what does Fener do tonight? Yep, when excitedly saying hello to a dear friend he goes for an unspotted wheelie, next to a slope, and nearly goes over backward on the asphalt. His arms went flailing to the sides, trying to grab air and maintain balance. He looked like an owl clinging to the glass in a wind tunnel. Hannah and I panicked and Nick let out a yell. I lunged forward, grabbed a nub and pulled him back onto all four wheels. I wanted to smack him upside the head, I was so pissed. I almost did, too, without thinking. Sorry babe.
This is my official call for awareness and assistance from all of our friends and family. Nick has a slick little hot rod chair now. Stay close, because Nick’s a daredevil, and you never know when you might find yourself grabbing a nub and saving the day!

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Don’t distract a man during therapy. This ‘cheese’ moment nearly crumbled him! But it was all worth it for such a great picture. Check him out. He is nearly upright, standing on his knees, using the stability ball for balance and core strengthening. His hips, quads and hamstrings are ridiculously tight right now. He has a long way to go, but this is a great first “step”!

Thursday July 14, 2011

“I’m pretty stoked about everything that’s going on right now!”

Yeah, that’s Nick Fener talking. His attitude is just killer. I couldn’t be more blessed than to care for and stand beside such an incredible man. He’s facing tragedy with a high-five and a smile. When he was still sedated several weeks ago, I was very fearful for his disposition upon waking and realizing how injured he was. It took a few days to set in, a few tears, lots of pain, and even more smiles and laughs. And now here we are, moving forward, at light speed, with the brightest hope for our future together.

Wednesday July 13, 2011

Have I mentioned how much I love Nick Fener? And how I am not going to stop this Nick Fener tunnel vision until he is fully independent again? Eight weeks ago, if you had asked me when I thought we would be going home, I would have guessed around four months. Not two! It’s almost been eight weeks, and Nick has far surpassed any of our expectations. He can transfer himself to and from just about anything all by himself. He can lift and bend both of his legs. And starting yesterday he has begun peeing on his own too! This is by far THE single most exciting development so far (well, except for, you know…!). He’s peeing on his own now, and the only thing we are being cautious about is whether he completely empties his bladder each time. They have this incredible ultrasound machine called a bladder scanner. Just like the machines used to peek at unborn children, the bladder scanner peeks at his urine volume inside the bladder. Yes, I know, pure excitement. Well, it is for us. Man, we are so done dealing with catheters and risking infections. Since Nick’s injuries are still so brand new, and he is already starting to get this function back, this is nothing short of a true miracle! Thank You God!

We had a seriously busy afternoon. He got measured for a shiny new custom ultralight wheelchair. He will be so much more mobile and less exhausted while cruising around in this thing. But more importantly, we met with another Prosthetist today. Basically we are shopping around to find the right person and company for Nick to use for his new legs. There are many choices. The three biggest factors we are considering are personality, proximity and technology. This dude completely won me over. He has everything but proximity. Actually his office is only 45 minutes away, but we live in the same town. We are practically neighbors. He’s been an amputee since age two, is Nick’s age and also an avid rock climber. Oh, and he is amazing to communicate with. I’ve already envisioned us enjoying a beer with him while watching the sunset from our porch, chatting about inspirational people he knows. I really hope Nick picks him!

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Nick and I made friendly with an awesome group of nursing students. One of them in particular was assigned to do a case study on Nick, and chose to write a report about sexual function relating to Nick’s injury. Great job Christy! Then today, as we said goodbye to the girls, Nick said Thank You in a way that only Nick would have the guts to!
Hey Fener, is that a water bottle in your pants, or are you just happy to see us????

Wednesday July 13, 2011

Nick and I just had an accidental encounter with a real charming fellow. On the way back from a quick run to the bank, we stopped at a local bakery for a sandwich. While sitting there, a young dude in a chair wheeled in. Of course, we got to talking. He had been shot in ‘95 and is now paralyzed. What struck me most was that those were the only details he told us about his accident. And that’s only because Nick asked. We spent the next fifteen minutes talking about what he loves to do. What he’s passionate about. He’s a comedian and a barber, and regularly goes to all the comedy venues in So Cal to perform. His eyes really lit up while talking about it. Now THAT is what I like to see. He does not allow his injury to define him, unlike many other disabled people we’ve met these last two months. And this injury will certainly not define Nick either.

Tuesday July 12, 2011

Nick got a taste of what a high performance wheel chair is like. It was roughly 20 pounds, as opposed to the 40 pound chair he has now. No arm rests, no foot pegs, no wheelie stopper bar, no handles to push him with. He loved it! Of course he did. His balance is still off due to lack of core muscle strength. This imbalance directly affects how well he can maneuver in this light weight chair. So does his back brace and his spine precautions. Since he can’t lean forward and back dynamically yet, getting up a full sized curb unassisted is very challenging. But not for long. We know Nick. In a few days he will be at the mall, hoping all the way up a ‘down’ escalator while doing a wheelie. Nothing can stop this guy!

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Here’s Nick working on core strength in physical therapy today. He needs more control and stability in his trunk to maneuver over obstacles in his wheelchair. He’s practicing leaning back, engaging his abs, but not too far. The goal is to pop back up, just before hitting the “point of no return” and falling back on the mat. It’s good, honest work for a guy who had his belly sliced open and guts shifted around.

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Don’t tell my Dad, but OF COURSE we cracked an ice cold Corona when we got to our couch! I am bursting at the seems with excitement over going home again.

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Geez, this hip and glute stretch looks an aweful lot like The Thinker….
This Ninja Turtle is a real Ham. I tell ya!

Monday July 11, 2011

Home sweet Home!! But sadly, not for good. We took a therapy pass home for a trial run today. We figured it would be better to test out all the doorways, couches, bed, and so forth, BEFORE moving back home. And to our pleasant surprise, everything is perfect. Almost. The wheelchair just can’t get into our master closet or the guest bathroom. But so what?! Nick can’t go relax in the closet! At least he can get on and off the couch, on and off our bed, and in and out of our bedroom door. Success!

This was the first time Nick has been home in seven and a half weeks. It’s been four weeks since I’ve been there. And this time the house felt alive! Nick was there, and we were happy. Several weeks ago, when I went home to grab some clothes before going to the rehab facility, our house felt dead. Lifeless. I did NOT like being there. But today it felt different. There was excitement in the air. A sense of anticipation. Only a few more days until we get to sleep in our own bed, use our own toilet, watch the sunset from our porch, cuddle with the doggies at bedtime, and have privacy! Ah yes, privacy. I can hardly wait to be reacquainted with you.

I have good news and bad news.  The good news is: Nick attempted to tell another fictional story about his accident to a total stranger. The bad news is: He used the stupid “attacked by a bear” story, cracked a huge smile, and blew it!   I’m waiting for him to bust out this gem, in complete seriousness, “What do you mean, ‘What happened to me?’”

Since we were out and about today, I was reminded of a major pet-peeve of mine that hasn’t come up in years.  I used to push my Mom around in her wheelchair all the time. She was a lot weaker than Nick, so I did all the work. I got frustrated and angry a lot, mainly because I was young, but also because, well, it was hard work taking care of her for so many years. Whenever we would approach an entry or exit door, it was very rare that people would hold the door for us. Infact, more often than not, people would walk in in front of us and literally allow the door to shut right at Mom’s feet. Intentional or completely unaware, it didn’t matter to me. How rude! That was my biggest pet-peeve.  How difficult is it to glance over your shoulder to see if someone is behind you, and then stop to hold the door, for ten seconds?  The sheer akwardness of holding a door that swings outward, while pushing or pulling a wheelchair through, is frustrating enough, without someone allowing it to shut right in front of you.  Anyway, that didn’t happen to us today. In fact, people see Nick’s nubs coming and they jump to grab the door for us!  They take one look at Nick Fener and they know right away that he is a bad ass mother f’er.  If they shut the door on him, they’re going to get a stump in the ass! 

Sunday July 10, 2011

“Depression will come knocking, but you can’t let it in. It is worse than anything else that could happen to you physically.” I heard this from one of Nick’s nurses. She was commenting about his excellent positive attitude, and also mentioned that in seven years working here, Nick is only the second person she has met with this kind of positive mental outlook. “Depression always comes.” It sure doesn’t have to though. Life can be good or bad, it’s really just a matter of how you approach it. I really don’t think Nick will suffer depression over this. I’ll beat the shit out of him if he starts to. There just isn’t enough time in our short lives to waste energy living in the bottomless pit of sadness and self pity. Let’s get on with it. There are too many fun and exciting things to experience out there. Even for a dude with no feet.

We managed to make today a pretty awesome day, despite the rough start. I threw my neck out this morning digging around in the fridge, and I’m having untimely car troubles. Awesome! This same thing happened to my neck several times last year while skydiving. Each time it put me down for days. Well, I don’t have days right now! As my Jump For The Cause friends would say, “Suck it up Cupcake!” So, I did! I sucked it right up and we went out to lunch at Chili’s with Nick’s Mom and my Dad.
Easy Money! We’ve really got his car transfers under control. I couldn’t be happier with his progress. His pain was minimal and our excitement level was high. They treated us well at Chili’s. Free Molten Lava cake. Just what Nick needs to start putting the weight back on!

We have a lot of really special people in our lives. So many incredibly caring, giving, loving friends and family members. We are so blessed. It’s been difficult for us to wrap our heads around it. We have needed or wanted for absolutely nothing since Nick’s accident. Our families and friends have made sure our lives are running as smoothly as possible, and that every detail is taken care of. Thank you! I truly believe that our positive attitudes and raw hope for the future are a direct reflection of the love and support we have received. There’s no way we would be as physically and emotionally healthy as we are without our support system. It’s magical and inspirational to witness.

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Oh my God LOOK!!! His leg fell off!

Saturday July 9, 2011

Seven weeks is NOTHING in the grand scheme of life! We’ve only been suffering a short time, and life is just getting better by the day. Time has moved more swiftly than I anticipated.
We will be at our home shortly. I can’t say when, but it’s approaching rapidly. Perhaps a bit too rapidly. But that’s just the fear talking. We’re ready. As of now, we are pretty much independent. I’m handling almost everything that the nurses and assistants normally do, with the exception of medicines and IV. And since his IV antibiotics have been discontinued, and organizing meds is no big deal, we should be fine. Right????

So, today was ridiculously awesome! Nick got to leave the hospital for the first time in a car, and go do something fun! It’s called a therapy pass. The purpose (other than to have fun) is to learn how to maneuver successfully out in the community. We started with a short trip out to lunch. Yummy Thai food lunch! Other than the delicious curry, Pad Thai, Tom Yum soup, Ginger beef, homemade coconut ice cream and Singha beer, the BEST part was how easy it was. No big deal! Moving from wheelchair to car and back again is getting easier with practice. Nick’s gaining strength and endurance everyday. When we returned, he was definitely sore, but it was well worth it.

Lots of special visitors today. Normally I don’t mention specific people who come to see us, but tonight I make an exception. My friend Blue drove out to hang with us, and she brought Pat with her. She brought pictures, videos, stories and spirit. I felt Pat very strongly all day. For days now, really. I’ve missed him more lately than ever before. I know he was sending his love down to Nick and me earlier. Blue, you were radiant and electric today, buzzing with beautiful light energy. Thank you for lifting us up! I am so grateful to still have Nick by my side, and will never forget that. Yes, another reminder of the beautifully complex weaving of life, death, love and healing, and my position amidst it all.

Thursday July 7, 2011

We ate some delicious vegetable quiche for lunch today. Nick did some sideways walking plank moves. And MIA pissed in Nick’s bed.
Not bad for a random Thursday in July.

Friday July 8, 2011

Exhausted! Yes, I worked very hard for the past two weeks in order to make today happen. And we weren’t even 100% successful either. Nick had another long day visiting the doctors and surgeons at their clinics in the hospital. He got the sutures removed from his stumps! Ouch! This is huge though! Now, pretty soon he can begin the long process of getting his new legs. He’s not quite there yet, but removing the stitches was the first step.
He also saw one of the Neurosurgeons who did his spine surgery. What a breath of fresh air! We attempted a “walk-in” appointment with him, and he ended up seeing us at the end of his day, kind of as a favor to us, despite the fact that the radiology results were not ready yet. We chatted for a long time. I could tell he was genuinely impressed by, and proud of, Nick. The surgeon spoke with love in his heart about how Nick had the worst shredded spinal nerve fibers he has ever seen, and that he is so proud of Nick’s progress against all odds. We haven’t seen this particular guy in several weeks. I don’t know what he was expecting. Most people come to these County clinics looking for drug hand outs and pity. Or atleast that’s what it seems like, based on everyone’s reactions to Nick. His shining spirit, positive outlook, ability to laugh at himself and have a good time really make people gravitate toward him. All day long people were stopping us to say hi and catch up. I know we spent 4 weeks there, but that’s really not that long. People just love Nick! And that’s all there is to it!

I realized something today. We have got to get away from the trauma/accident/depression/tragic life scene and get back to the positive living environment we used to have. I not talking about Ballard’s vibe. Ballard has a great vibe. I’m talking about the fact that seeing a man in a wheelchair, with no feet, attracts a lot of attention from people who want to tell us about every tragic story they have ever heard. Car accidents, motorcycle accidents, limb loss, cancer, paralysis, suicide, families torn apart, etc etc. Man! Sometimes we just want to have a normal conversation about skydiving and fart jokes, and laugh and be silly like we used to. Those fun, free moments really shine amidst all these necessary discussions of medicines, surgeries, pain and poop schedules.
Don’t get me wrong, we desire to empathize and relate to other people who are suffering on this tragic level of deep healing and acceptance. But at the same time, I look forward to surrounding myself again with people who are living large and have happy, positive things happening daily in their worlds. Because that’s what we are striving for in our lives, even with this crazy roller coaster we’re on.

Wednesday July 6, 2011

People have been calling us The Fenwalters for quite some time now. (((Ya know, a cross between Nick Fener and Lindsay Showalter))) And lately it’s beginning to grow on me. We’re kind of like Brangelina, but without the drama, the 15 adopted kids, and unfortunately so, the millions of dollars!
The Fenwalters.
Look for huge things from The Fenwalters in the future. Like walking! And SCUBA diving! And jumping! And helping our friends! And loving our families! Life is going to be better than we ever knew possible. In fact, in some ways it already is. Perspective is a funny thing.

During therapy today, I finally got to see Nick roll over to his belly and lay there. He looked just like a turtle! Not so much a Ninja Turtle though. More like a narcoleptic turtle. But anyway, the method with which his therapist was telling him to move his legs and hips was exactly how we teach our Level One skydiving students. Extend through the hips! It was refreshing to be reminded of something so familiar, yet so distant.
I really like Nick’s primary physical therapist. He’s excellent! I hate missing out when Nick has a session with him. I feel like I learn just as much as Nick does. He is so detail oriented, and has an amazing gift of precisely pinpointing a persons needs, and then intelligently conveying his ideas in a way that you can understand. All the while, focused on the goal of learning to be independent. He actually reminds me of my amazing buddy Pat McGowan. Certainly not because they look similar! No way! But because of their commitment to the outcome of success. Patrick would completely invest himself in his student’s success and overall positive experience. And John is completely invested in Nick’s success during each session. It’s just obvious! They’re really starting to have a great time together too. I’m definitely going to miss him when we choose a place closer to home for Nick’s outpatient therapy. I hope we can find another therapist who embodies even half the qualities that Pat had. Nick can’t afford NOT to work with someone like that.

The chest and abdomen Xray’s came back negative today. It showed that he is indeed only M.O.S., Moderately (Full) Of Shit, instead of F.O.S. He’s still having pain when he inhales, so they’re monitoring him closely. I can’t wait until all these ridiculous little complications get under control and go away for good. I’m ready to move forward at full speed ahead!

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Love the nub!
Love the nub!!

Tuesday July 5, 2011

My ‘Goodnight’ conversation with Nick tonight went as follows:
Him: Babe, you are my favorite person ever.
Me: Well I’m so glad I could finally make the top spot.
Him: I think you’ve been there for a while. zzzzzzzzzzzz
And then, he was OUT!!
He’s finally sleeping ok. And he was finally feeling a little better at the end of the night. His stomach was not feeling good all day. Nothing excruciating, but it was enough to make him not eat dinner. And if you know Nick, the human garbage disposal, then you know this means something ain’t right! They took Xrays of his chest and abdomen, looking for I-don’t-know-what. Meanwhile, I am 99.9% positive he is just F.O.S. That’s a medical term ya know? Full Of Shit. Yes, I’m certain he is all blocked up. For 6 weeks, I’ve witnessed every morsel going in, and every morsel going out. And they don’t match up. Not even close! That’s my official diagnosis: F.O.S. Fener agrees. Now I wonder how long it will take the docs to figure it out.

During therapy Nick learned a few techniques for transferring to and from the car. He actually got into my car and sat there for a brief moment! Who knows how long his back could actually tolerate driving in my car. It’s just the fact that he can get himself in and out of it that’s cool! What a huge step!

He got a new custom fit back brace, and after only half the day, we are already seeing a huge difference. His pain is much less when sitting up now. It hugs him snuggly, and offers way more support than the other one. And the best part is that he looks like a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle. Go Nick-elangelo!!

Life for you has been less than kind. So take a number, stand in line. We’ve all been sorry. We’ve all been hurt. But how we survive, is what makes us who we are.

My favorite lyrics, from one of my favorite bands, Rise Against

Monday July 4, 2011

I was just talking to my girlfriend Shannon earlier today about how we can’t just hold onto the Good Days for strength. It’s not enough. And usually an entire day can’t be classified as good anyway. There are too many ups and downs, moment to moment. So we have to hold onto the good moments to give us strength through the bad ones. Little did I know how quickly we’d be living this testimony.

After a great day of therapy and new discoveries, he suddenly began feeling sick. The kind of sick that sent him to the hospital last Monday. Intense abdominal pains, nausea and the inability to fart. Next thing I know he’s puking! Well, at least it made his stomach pains go away. But we still don’t know what’s going on. Poor guy. Seriously, will he ever catch a fucking break? This is a holiday! He deserves the day off. I’d happily take his place so he could just shut off for a while. Actually I’d take his place permanently so he didn’t have to suffer anymore. I realize though, that our rolls aren’t reversed because neither one of us could handle the other’s position. This is how it needs to be. It’s obvious. But still, it hurts to see him hurting. Especially with something as ridiculous as a stomach ache.
He ended up puking again about two hours later. Twice as much this time. And somehow I managed to catch a bit of post puke spit on my face. Gross. He’s sleeping peacefully, finally. But right before he dozed off, he said he wasn’t completely sure if he got everything out. So I’m sleeping in his room again tonight, and this time I have a real bed.

In therapy today, prior to being sick, we discovered that he can sit on the edge of the bed and hold himself upright without the use of his hands! I almost laughed myself into happy tears when he showed me this. His core is getting stronger and his balance is coming back.

Happy 4th of July everyone. Sure doesn’t feel like a holiday here, except for the fireworks popping all around outside our room. I ran around the corner to a fireworks stand earlier and bought a few pieces. Not for tonight of course. They are for blowing shit up when we finally get home.

Sunday July 3, 2011

There’s no good way to be subtle about this. Trust me, I’ve played it out in my mind a dozen times. So, if you’re shy, or embarrass easily, or are excessively reserved about private and personal business, then maybe you should quit reading now, and just check back tomorrow for a more “appropriate” update.

Something tells me you’re still going to read on, even at the risk of wishing you hadn’t!

Ok, I’ve warned you.

If you don’t want to know about Nick’s triumphant erection then you should probably scroll down and look at the pictures instead. But I bet that even if you have never in your life wanted to know about Nick getting it up, you’re going to continue reading, because as a fellow human being, you’re totally rooting for him. Nobody wants to see a young man, at 33, lose his ability to pitch a tent. No one would ever want to lose their sexual function. It’s what makes a man feel like a man! Well, after six weeks of ignoring the issue entirely, his fears have been eased quite a bit. Go ahead and cheer fellas, because it works!!! He hasn’t taken it for an official test drive yet, but atleast we know the wipers, horn and headlights work! Yay!

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Now we’re trying to have a little fun amongst the chaos! Look at that sexy man!

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The day after his spine surgery. Another reminder of how far we’ve come. Those first ten days were scary.

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This is an old picture. But I wanted to show how far Nick has come in the six short weeks since his accident. This was taken Sunday evening, May 22, a full two days after he initially hit. Looking back at pictures of “the good ol’ days” really makes me appreciate where we are now. I’d much rather wipe Nick’s butt than stare at him in this condition, sedated and breathing with a machine!
Last night we spent some time talking about, and acknowledging, his progress from only a few weeks ago. We are so grateful that we could move so swiftly through each painful day. We constantly remind ourselves how distant our daily trials TODAY will seem only a few short weeks from now.

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Mama Fener and MIA dog striking a pose in front of “The Wall”

Saturday July 2, 2011

We had a “shitty” day today. Here are a few things on my mind that I need to address.

We are doing everything we can to establish a semi-normal life here at the rehab facility. We treat his room like it’s our home. Because it is, for now. I’m constantly cleaning and organizing. Constantly working to take care of Nick. When we have guests, I try to make them feel comfortable and welcome.

What we are requiring now, while we are training to return to our real home, is for everyone to treat this place as if it IS our real home. And I mean everyone.
Everyone.
Friends, family, nursing staff, etc,.
Please ask us well in advance before coming to visit or stopping in to see us. Please understand if it’s not a good time. Nick and I are tired. Probably me more than him right now. And despite how public we seem to be, we’re actually rather private people. We sure as shit don’t get any f-ing privacy around here either. I don’t even remember what privacy means. And privacy aside, Nick and I rarely even get many quality moments alone that don’t include bathing, eating, peeing or pooping…. and that aren’t interrupted by the staff here.

Now, even though we’ve had to set some critical boundaries, we are both SO ready to have friends and family around. But not at every moment of the day, and not all at once. Having too many people “visiting” at one time creates a chaotic mess of conversations in our tiny room. Then, add the constant barrage of nurses, and doctors and therapists and maintenance who come and go all day! I just can’t deal with that unnecessary and avoidable stress anymore. So it’s very important to communicate with us so we can plan our days around your visits. Or plan your visits around our days, actually. Nick’s schedule changes each day, sometimes multiple times a day. And sometimes, the schedule doesn’t matter. Sometimes we just want some time to quietly rest and recharge our batteries in peace.

I guess what I’m really trying to say is that we really do want to see our friends and family often. We need you guys!! And since they are training us for “real life”, we should train you for “our real life”. So if you never used to walk through our front door without calling first (or knocking!!!) then don’t do it now please.

This is probably one of the most boring posts I’ve made so far. Sorry about that. But it’s probably one of my most valuable ones.

Let’s see, what actually happened today that didn’t involve bathing, eating, peeing or pooping? Not a whole lot. MIA dog came to visit and so did a few friends. Nick and I finally had a few hours to relax together and have amazing conversation.

Looking forward to having our heads up a little higher tomorrow.

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We could easily get 2 or 3 more doggies now! There’s so much more room at the foot of the bed!

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By special request… Here you go Mario! This picture of Nick’s left leg was taken last Thursday afternoon, exactly three weeks after his amputations. Sutures are still in, and they’re healing well. Since his doctors appointment last week, they’ve been dressing the wounds with something specific to help get rid of the black necrotic tissue. And it’s working. This is a huge improvement from last week! Over time, the stump will shrink more and more. Then he’ll be able to use it as a weapon.

Friday July 1, 2011

Nick is a disabled person.
I JUST realized this today. I found myself apologizing to Nick for referring to him as disabled while on the phone with Medi-cal. He didn’t care. He knows he’s disabled. It bothers me though. Yet, I’m not some politically correct freak who makes people say “differently abled” instead. But still, it sucks. And I know, he’ll run faster and still be able to do all the same cool things he used to do once he gets prosthetics. But that’s not my point. I’m not sure what my point is. Maybe his cute little nubs have just grown to be so normal to me now, that I don’t see a disabled person. Or maybe I’m Captain Obvious, the last one to make sense of ‘what is’. But at least Nick’s not offended by it.

We watched The Hangover2 tonight. Thanks GKat for the hook up! And although I laughed myself to tears on a few occasions, I was extremely disappointed with how predictable and cookie cutter it was as a sequel. But the best part was getting to see Thailand’s stunning coastline and bustling cities. Nick and I had a trip planned to go there and to India in December for my Birthday and Christmas. Traveling to Southeast Asia would be the first time Nick has been overseas. We were ridiculously excited all year, and still are. I think it’s safe to say that we’ve never needed a vacation more than we do right now. Now with that in mind, go ahead and fast forward… month after month of this. Aggghhhhh!!!!!! So Thailand, here we come baby! Maybe 2013? 2014?

Nick’s getting off the pain meds tomorrow. I’m a little nervous. I know morphine sulphate is no good for him, and that the sooner he gets off the narcotics, the better. But he has barely moved at all during the last six days, which might be deceiving him to believe his pain is tolerable. When he starts heavy duty therapy again on Monday, he might be singing a different tune. But honestly I hope not. Even though this doesn’t feel like a holiday weekend, I don’t want it to be ruined because he’s in too much pain.