Hands down, without any doubt, today has been the absolute WEIRDEST day of my life. I’m not speaking for Nick, but I bet he probably feels the same way.
What I’m about to share is extremely personal in nature. (And at the risk of sounding rude…) What I’m about to share is not open to unsolicited opinions or debate. I’m going to publicly detail a very serious decision we’ve made, with the hopes of me and Nick not having to explain ourselves and defend our decisions over and over and over again.
Nick had both of his legs amputated today. Below his knees.
Yes, we looked into all sorts of options. Yes, we thought this through completely. Yes, we feel this is the best possible option for Nick’s life, future mobility and pain/infection control.
I use ‘we’ because we literally made this decision together as a unit. And I’m aware of the bitchy tone in this post. Again, weird day. Brain jumbled.
We waited all day for this life changing surgery. They didn’t come get him until 3:30pm. The anticipation was palpable. He went the entire day without any pain meds or food, adding to the odd vibe. The calm excitement about something so morbidly permanent is a complete mind fuck. We are truly excited to be able to begin moving forward with recovery and rehab and LIFE! But being excited about losing your legs is so… strange.
Provided his quads and hamstrings get strong again, and there’s not too much nerve damage (looks hopeful so far) he will have a much better quality of life with prosthetics rather than his broken, paralyzed legs and feet. With no sensation or motor function in his feet, coupled with disintegrated ankles that would have to be fused, we found zero significant PRO’S to limb-salvage. And the doctors tried very hard to sway us toward keeping them . For a while anyway. Then they finally came on board with our desire to perform the bilateral below knee amputation. Nick has been certain he wanted to amputate both legs since the day he woke up, and never waivered once. I, on the other hand, did my due diligence despite also being convinced early on.
I took tons of pictures of his legs yesterday (Fener’s Final Foot Photoshoot) because I knew I’d never see his feet again. And despite his begging, the doctors wouldn’t let Nick take his legs home in a jar. They wouldn’t taxidermy his tattoos either, which Nick would have “settled for” instead of keeping the whole legs.
Seeing him without feet or lower legs is going to take time getting used to. It’s SO damn weird. Even though he is still bandaged and splinted up, I still feel like my mind is playing tricks on me.
Neither of us anticipated the unbelievably excruciating pain tonight. For three weeks, Nick has been my Pain Threshhold Hero, but not tonight. Understandably so. He said the pain feels like someone just cut his legs off.
They’ve got him back on the heavy duty drugs, which thankfully put him to sleep. Tonight I’m staying right here next to him all night, just in case.
Based on his high level of pain, I’m guessing we are going to have a rough weekend. Please pray and keep nothing but positive thoughts for a swift healing with no complications or infection. Also, we are still not wanting visitors yet, especially now that he is back on the heavy drugs.
A huge Huge HUGE thank you for all the continuous love and support through all this. It’s funny, Nick is seriously concerned that he won’t be able to properly thank and recognize every single person for every single thing they’ve done to help us. He is just so grateful!!