Nick and I had an intense conversation on the drive home from Project Walk this evening. We were both getting a little heated, but certainly not at each other. We were talking about the times when his doctors and surgeons told me he would “never walk again.” We’ve talked about it before, but tonight was the first time Nicks gotten even mildly angry about it.
How dare they tell his family something so definite on the very first night of his injury? And furthermore, once he was awake, each time they tested his feet for sensation or movement, they told us that whatever returns in the first three weeks is it; that’s all he’s going to get back. Then after several weeks, they changed it to three months. Either way, it’s complete bullshit! These doctors are putting ideas and expectations into their patients brains. Maybe they should be a little more aware of the facts before trying to educate the patients’ families.
Since we’ve been in the spinal cord injury world, we’ve learned that the window of maximum recovery is much longer than 3 weeks (more like 2 years), and varies greatly based on the individual. I wonder how much feeling and function might have returned in Nicks feet had they not been amputated? I only say that because his glutes, hamstrings and abductors are slowly waking up after 8 months. I am not implying that either of us are having second thoughts about cutting his feet off. Not at all! They were so badly broken, that even if sensation returned, they would have been unusable. I just wonder about it, that’s all.
Nick can’t wait until his next neurosurgeon appointment. He’s going to walk right in there and tell them, “Thanks a lot for telling my family that I’d never walk again. I’m glad we didn’t listen!” …or something like that. He has a few months to practice and get it right.
Stretching at the end of a great workout.
“My legs are feeling more like my legs. I feel more connected to them now. They used to feel like they were in a vice grip all the time, and now they feel much lighter”
This was part of a conversation I had with Nick this morning. He also told me how good it felt when a friend and fellow client at Project Walk seriously asked him yesterday if he actually had a spinal cord injury. Less than a year ago his spine surgeons told me he would never walk again, and now he’s being asked if he even has a spinal cord injury. That feels good!
Speaking of feeling good. Nick got a 90 minute massage today. Again, why isn’t he doing this more often? I have massaged him quite a bit over the last few months, but not nearly enough. And today was the first paid massage he’s had in a long time that he felt was exceptional. I’m pretty sure he’ll be seeing her again soon.
Nick is beginning to get a really sensitive spot at the bottom of his right stump. He says it feels like the bone is going to poke through the skin. Now, we’ve been monitoring it, and it’s not going to poke through; it just feels that way to him. How his prosthetist explained it to us is that the severed bone is still growing, trying to attach to another piece of bone. It’s the same exact healing process our bodies go through when we break a bone. So the tip of the bone in his stump has actually grown a bit. You can feel it when you touch it. That uneven piece of bone growth is poking his skin and scar tissue just the right way to make it super sensitive. Thankfully he doesn’t notice it when he’s standing. If he ever does, that’s when something will have to be done. For now, it’s ok, but it’s just weird!
It’s March already? Wow, time passes quickly. Life happens fast. I just remembered this evening that I’m 31 now instead of 30. I’m grateful for my youth still, but wonder where all the time went. Regarding the last nine and a half months, I’m glad the time has passed. I feel like a different person now. And Nick IS a different person now. But when will we be the people who are just going about living life again? Instead of the people recovering from a traumatic life event? I look forward to that shift. It’s closer now than its ever been. I can feel it coming.
Well I wasn’t going to blog about this, but I just can’t help it. I’m excited, and so is Nick. He is particularly stoked. I am writing this to make sure our young friends Sydney and Tiernan know that Nick beat them. They may be cuter than Nick, but he won the contest. He got done with wearing diapers first, just like he threatened that he would. It’s been about two weeks of experimenting now, and he’s found a great solution that doesn’t require the bulky, uncomfortable, embarrassing purple diapers. YAY!!!!! We’ve done a lot of joking about the “purple board shorts,” but I will never discount that needing to wear them as an adult could make anyone depressed. Nick handled the situation with grace and a smile, keeping his dignity in tact and never being too hard on himself. Again, another reason why I love him. We are so happy to be done with that phase. Shoot, I’m just happy it was a phase, and not a permanent thing. Sweet relief!!
Nope. The cat paint app isn’t getting old yet. At least not to me. Fener, on the other hand, is hardly amused.
Nick was working his balance and pushing weight, in a modified lunge position. Bri was getting fancy. She switches things up every single session. Nick said today was particularly great!
That is one high powered massager. Bri is using it here to loosen up Nicks quadriceps for a kneeling exercise they were doing. He loves it. Apparently it’s a $2600 piece of equipment. If that’s the case, it better be amazing!
This weekend was all about renewal for me, and exploration for Fener. I stayed home and hibernated while Nick was out and about.
After his training on Saturday we visited Mom. But before we went up to the house we decided to use the flat road as a pathway for a little walking. But wouldn’t you know, in the span of fifteen minutes of walking down the street in front of his Moms house, we ran into three(!) separate people Nick knows. I couldn’t believe it. And not just acquaintances either. He ran into two old buddies who were once great friends, but who he just hasn’t seen since the accident. It was all so very random and awesome!
When we got home from Moms, Nick literally walked from one car to the other and drove away to a friends house, leaving his wheelchair behind! The wheelchair and I stayed home and watched TV together while Nick was out experimenting with his own personal limits. Not only did he navigate a few various slopes and steps with the hand crutches, he sorted out the logistics of using the restroom without the convenience of being in a wheelchair. These are huge confidence builders for him, and me. Even though he still needs a spotter when on an uneven surface or steps, he is getting stronger, more stable and a lot more capable of anticipating balance issues. I only had to catch him once when he attempted to go up Moms stairs without the handrail, using crutches only. We immediately decided that was a bad idea though an had a pleasantly uneventful rest of the climb.
Video Footage from Nick’s latest therapy session at Project Walk. March 2, 2012
Thank God Project Walk is such a professional operation. Their lovely scheduler called us at 8am to let us know his primary therapist was out sick today (hope you feel better soon Bri), and that his other therapist Eric would be covering for her. We also discovered that we thought his therapy was later in the day, when it was really an early session. Good on them for being so thorough. Maybe we’ll get ourselves straight one of these days!
It’s a good thing Nick napped on the way down to Carlsbad, because he had a very intense workout. I think that’s the most I’ve seen him sweat at Project Walk. Eric said something I really liked today too. He said that as long as Nick is in their doors, he needs to be walking with the crutches. That’s a great idea. As exhausting as it is, he needs to begin developing the habit of reaching for the crutches rather than the wheelchair. Because at some point, it will truly be a matter of habit and comfort level, not ability. I don’t see him giving up the wheelchair completely any time soon, but the more he can get used to maneuvering around without it, the better. The only down side is that it’s impossible for him to do anything but just walk. So, he can’t carry anything or open doors, and he tires very easily. He’ll just have to work on it daily, and build slowly in order to get out of the chair entirely.
Today Nick wore a weighted hip belt for squats and side lunges. He’s going to be so sore this weekend!
Nick loves working out with Eric. Here, they were practicing standing from a seated position, without using his arms. But it didn’t quite end the way Eric was planning.
Spent a lot of time these past few days working on the Recovery Gallery page, and also on an up-coming Acknowledgements page (been working on that for weeks). I’m wanting to create a space with this blog that documents our whole story. I’m building something here. I don’t know what yet, but I’m building something.
About five months ago, we thought we would be ready to conquer the world by now. We had dreams of joining our friends at the skydiving boogie in Nicaragua this month. When I told Nick that the boogie starts tomorrow, he said he wished I hadn’t told him. The realization that life is moving so slowly for us is hard to swallow. Yet he’s healing so rapidly for the extent of his injuries. There’s just such a conflict of emotion here. I’ve been feeling pretty down this week. Maybe a little overwhelmed, maybe tired, but definitely not my positive, happy self. It’s okay though, because I am enjoying the quiet time I’m purposefully creating. And Nick, well Nick is just powering through all my shit like a true warrior. We really do make a great team.
If you’re not interested to know about mine and Nicks love life, then don’t read this post.
If you’re my Dad, don’t read this post!
Okay, I’ve warned you.
So Nick and I have essentially lost our sex life. It’s gone. A spinal cord injury will do that to ya. He has no physical feelings of the sexual nature what so ever. And it’s something we’ve pretty much been ignoring. Since we’ve been home for the past seven months, I can count on one hand the number of times we’ve attempted to “fool around.” And with each endeavor, it’s always the same outcome: submitting to the current fact that the spinal cord injury has robbed him of this basic human function. But today was a little different. Last week we talked to his doctor and got a few pill samples. You know, the stuff Bob Dole makes commercials about? I wish with all my might that I could say it worked, but it didn’t.
But here’s how we turned today’s experience into a win for us… We had fun. Now, I won’t go into any details, but I will say that we just enjoyed each others company, without the usual disappointments or bad feelings. We hope his functioning will return, but we’re starting to find more acceptance in what “is” for right now. I’m not saying we’re giving up hope. In fact, we haven’t even scratched the surface of possible solutions to this problem. We’re just getting started to explore the possibilities. I love him no matter what. This is the saddest part about Nicks injuries, but I refuse to sing a sad song about it because at least I still have him by my side. And even though we are currently limited in the bedroom, our relationship and bond is stronger than ever. Now THAT is a successful love life, if you ask me.
At Project Walk, Nick got a killer workout with Bri. She had him rolling back and forth on his back, and then coming up to standing, using his momentum. It hurt his tailbone, but was incredibly useful for strengthening his balance. He was also walking sideways and backward with the hand crutches, while attached to the walking harness. His legs are getting so much more muscular now because he’s doing weighted exercises at every visit. After only a few short weeks, he’s really kicking ass.
Nick missed his gym training this morning. He slept poorly and felt bad. What a bummer. The day got better though after I fed him some caffeine. Since the dude never drinks coffee, a Starbucks treat really perked him right up. We continued on to have a quiet yet productive day together. I was grateful for some time to be at home without people here. Life’s been quite hectic for us lately.
While enjoying our yummy coffee drinks, we spent a lot of time talking about the shape of our lives to come. What do we want to create? What are our goals? Well, we didn’t really decide on anything. I realize that we’re both entirely too wrapped up in the moment to begin thinking big picture yet. Too much is riding on his recovery. EVERYTHING is riding on his recovery. I do have some pretty awesome ideas though, it’s just too soon to even entertain them.
Today was my first day going to work again. It just didn’t feel right. I didn’t actually get to jump because it was too windy and rainy, but I was there all day. I’m still sorting my feelings about it, so I’ll wait to elaborate. It was an emotional experience for me though. I did not like kissing Nick good bye this morning and leaving him to himself. But even though I didn’t like it, he did great. He had a very productive morning until it was time to leave for Project Walk with his friend Bandito. At this point, even though Nick can drive, he still needs to be driven to therapy. More than an hour in each direction, with a two hour work out in between, is just too much for him. Maybe one day soon, but not now.
Today Bri put a table in front of him and a table behind him, had him stand between them and toss a ball back and forth. He said he could do about six tosses before losing his balance. And he explained that it was every ounce of strength and strain within him to hold his body up. I’m so bummed that I missed it. When he got home tonight, he was in a great mood. He felt good and said he had a great day.
He’s said a few times lately that “he wouldn’t do it again.” Meaning that if he had to re-do this nine month experience (or something similar) that he just wouldn’t do it. I’m not sure how I feel about that statement, but I can at least pull one positive thing from it. When he has said it, he says it in a way that alludes to the experience being over. Like he’s past the experience. And I think he feels that way a little bit. Even though he’s not completely rehabilitated, and has a long way to go, he’s past the hard part. He says the first 6 months were absolute hell, and that it’s been getting better ever since. I can sense it in him too. He is making huge strides daily. He’s incredible to me. Now, if I could just get him to trim that damn beard.
Days like today make my heart smile. Nick really shined today as an independent person. He went to the gym on his own and got a killer work out. He says Jamon shows him no mercy, and he loves it! I even heard him tell a friend, “working out is fun.” I’m very grateful that he’s enjoying it, because he has no other choice if he wants to get his life back.
After his workout he went to Lowe’s to get a part to repair his hand controls. Then he went to Target to get a few items. He got a body pillow to help him sleep better. (From the sound of it, it’s working well!) He painted a picture of himself wheeling around Target with this huge pillow across his lap, with several other items tucked between his legs. I wish I could’ve seen it. He also stopped and pumped his own gas. I know it seems like he does this all day, everyday, but he was actually putting it in the car this time.
As if that wasn’t enough, he came home and showered on his own! He has needed my help to shower this whole time. But today I couldn’t be here, so I laid out his towels and clean clothes in advance, and he did the rest. What an amazing feeling for him to be experiencing some of the most basic tasks in life, independently. We take for granted our ability to just quickly hop in the shower and then move on with our day. A shower for him is a long process. And now to do it successfully on his own is a huge step forward! Again, I am so extremely proud! How could I not be? He’s amazing.
Nick is in the harness practicing with the hand crutches. Taking away the fear and risk of falling means he can push himself harder to use the proper muscles. Looking good!
Thanks for the awesome photo Pat Newman! Nick was out at the DZ yesterday showing off his new moves.
Nick finally found a new hobby, that has nothing to do with rehabilitation, and nothing to do with any previous hobbies he’s had. And I’m thrilled! I’ve been encouraging him to find something fun to do for a while now. So last week he bought a remote control off-road truck. It flips and rolls and jumps, and makes Nick so incredibly happy. He says when he’s driving it, he doesn’t even notice his pain. The only down side is that it takes two people to operate it, so he can’t just go outside and mob it around on his own. He needs a second person to put it back on its wheels when it flips over. Other than that, it’s bad ass! He raced it around our property this morning before we left for Project Walk.
Nick had his best therapy session ever today! He walked A LOT! Bri put him in the hanging harness, and he walked with his hand crutches. The harness allowed him to experiment with using his arms less, without the fear of falling. He was using his hips more to follow through with each step. But the best part about today was the shift in pain. He said something “clicked” with his body. His mid back wasn’t doing all the work to hold him up. He was having a difficult time explaining it, but basically he walked lap after lap without needing to sit down. And afterward, his middle back wasn’t burning like it usually does. Some other part of his body is kicking in and deciding to contribute to this walking thing. Finally!
And what Friday evening would be complete without a 4 hour trip to the emergency vet clinic? MIA dog was really sick when we got home from Project Walk. Normally I would have waited a few hours and monitored her myself. But tonight was different. She looked half way gone. I only had to imagine the possible consequences of waiting too long to treat her. Nick was worried too, so we agreed that getting immediate treatment would be the best thing for her. We’re still not sure what happened, but she’s feeling significantly better. Not quite 100% though. They ruled out several very serious issues and let me bring her home.
Nick and MIA are currently cuddled up in a warm blanket, having a snoring contest.
Poor guy. He’s really sore today from all that walking yesterday. He walked a lot in the morning, did two hours of therapy, then went straight to dinner where he walked into and out of the restaurant without getting to rest at all. I gave him a nice massage before shipping him off to the gym this morning. His mid back is doing a lot of the work to hold him up. I can’t even imagine how painful this whole process must be for him. I really take his lack of complaining for granted. I don’t see him as a man who lost his legs. I see him as an athlete training for the Olympics.
Tonight as we were leaving a restaurant with friends, Nick zoomed ahead of us to go to an ATM in the parking lot. As I came out the door, I looked up and saw Nick laying on the ground with his wheelchair tipped over on its side. Of course, the one moment I don’t have the video camera rolling he falls out of his chair. He took a curb too fast, popped the wheelie too soon, and tumbled right out of the chair sideways. He landed on his butt cheek, not his tailbone, thank God! He’s ok, but when we got in the car, he said he twisted his ankle. The fall triggered a phantom feeling in his left ankle. He said it felt bruised and twisted. That’s so weird!!!
Talk about the highs and lows of life. This weekend I could barely get out of bed; today I couldn’t stop dancing and singing! I felt happy to the depths of my soul today. I felt good on so many levels. Helping Nick get independent on his hand crutches this morning was the highlight of my day. We did one practice run, through the whole house. I spotted him the entire way and was totally useless. He was solid. So I grabbed my camera for the next lap. He impresses the hell out of me. The drive he has, and the way he pushes himself through pain and exhaustion is a testament to his commitment to succeed. There is no way he would be this far already, if it wasn’t for his sheer will.
At Project Walk, he walked across the therapy floor while just holding onto Bri’s forearms. No harness, no walker. And when he got to his destination, the parallel bars, he didn’t need to stop and sit. He kept going on the bars. Incredible!
UnFrickenBelievable! Three weeks at Project Walk combined with some hardware adjustments on his legs…and… Voila!!!
He read his fortune, got very quiet and introspective, then nodded and said to himself, “I really am. I really, really am.”
A very, very proud moment!! (nevermind the funny look on his face)
Sorry about the poor video quality. Something went haywire during the upload process.
Yesterday was the nine month point since Nick’s accident. I’ve probably said this before, but I look forward to the time when the 20th of each month doesn’t trigger emotions for me. The last few months of “anniversaries” have felt pretty good. I’ve used that time to reflect upon how far he’s come. But just the fact that I still measure time in “months since Nick’s accident” means that it’s still engulfing my heart and mind. I’m okay with that… for now anyway.
We saw Nick’s prosthetist today, and addressed a list of concerns. Now that he can straighten his hips more, and stand taller, he has been standing too far on his toes. Also, his therapist at Project Walk noticed that one leg is about a quarter inch longer than the other. How we missed that before, I just don’t know. But we got them both fixed today.
Just those two minor adjustments and Nick can now stand up straight, unassisted, not holding the bars, for about 20 seconds or so. Wow! The longest he could let go for was 1 second, before today. When he did it for the first time today, it brought tears to my eyes. It’s been almost a year since I’ve seen Nick stand upright, totally relaxed and sturdy. It’s amazing what a little tweaking to the ol’ fake legs will do for a guys balance. Now that his feet are slightly more flexed, he says that walking feels better. It looks better too. I can see that he’s rolling more smoothly from his heals to his toes.
An accomplishment like this one just affirms how close he is to walking unassisted. He also tried walking along the parallel bars only using one hand. He made about four steps before losing balance. Prior to today, he couldn’t even take one step forward unless both hands were holding him up.
I am really looking forward to seeing him workout at Project Walk tomorrow. I’ve got to see these new adjustments in action. I may even skip my beach workout to watch every second of his. THAT’S how stinkin’ epic this is!!
Waking up to a brand new day. Feeling much better after a physically and emotionally exhausting weekend. I was pretty ill and unhappy yesterday. Stayed in bed til 3. Would have remained there except a good friend came into town. She saved the day.
Nick had fun yesterday though. He went go-karting with his brother Dan. It was his idea. He wanted to do it. Now that’s the Nick Fener I used to know. Since his accident, he hasn’t really pursued any fun on his own. He’s either too tired or in too much pain. So to see him do this on his own was refreshing. And he raced three times. Bet he’s sore today!
Today we’re going for a walk, he’s going to work out, and then he has a doctors appointment. Back to the grind you can say.
We both witnessed someone die today. We went home and laid in each others arms for a few hours, absorbing every bit of gratitude for being able to still do so.
Very, very sad day.
At some point today it occurred to me that tomorrow is the six month mark since Nicks last back surgery. That’s cool and all, but this information is
most exciting because it means that there’s only six months remaining until the one year anniversary of that surgery. That’s when the doc said he could skydive again. Thinking about it in those terms made Nick overflow with excitement on the way to Project Walk.
Today was the first time we’ve talked in depth about the future of his skydiving. We visualized the logistics of the plane ride and exit, the free fall and tracking away, the opening and the landing.
I asked him the most valid question I could think of. “What needs to change in order for you to be ready for this in six months?” The short answer is: a lot. Despite it seeming too lofty a goal (to me), Nick is dreaming big and setting his sights for that date. His goal is to be stronger than he’s ever been in his life by August 18. He plans to be walking unassisted by then and have much less tailbone pain by then. To sum it up, he has a lot of work to do.
He told me that during therapy today, he kept thinking about skydiving and the “six month countdown.” I imagine that’s a huge motivation for him, like a bride-to-be dieting to fit into a smaller wedding dress on the big day. It’s fun getting excited with him. He misses his old life tremendously. Despite coping very well and staying extremely positive, his current situation is a far cry from anything he previously considered acceptable for his life. He’s living proof that you never know how you’re going to handle something until you’re faced with it. Thank God for Nicks determination, humility and uplifting spirit, in a time when crumbling would have been much easier.
Was going through Nicks skydiving stuff today. These are the clothes that were cut off of him when he got hurt. Emergency responders weren’t messing around!
Nick passed his driving test like a champion, even though the lady dinged him for pulling away from a curb in a residential area without using his blinker. Big whoop! Now the next step is to get the hand controls installed in the CR-V. I don’t mind getting them permanently installed. At least twice last week I was wishing we had the hand controls so he could do some of the driving for me.
Well it’s official, I am re-joining the work force in 10 days. It’s time. We both feel good about it. And now that his schedule is finally locked down, I can focus on working mine around it. This will be good for so many reasons. Too many to list. I have to admit that I’m a little nervous. But only a little. I’m more focused really. Turns out there are tons of little things that I need to take care of before I can get back at it. To start, my equipment is scattered about, lost, dirty or needs attention. I’ve got a detailed checklist and already chiseling away at what needs to be done.
I’m really looking forward to having something in my life that’s for me. And working again can offer me that. I wish Nick was joining me though. He wants to work skydiving again so badly. And neither of us wants to spend that time away from each other. We’ve been working together for four years and love it! When it’s time for him to find work, hopefully we can be close. It’s important to us.
Nick met some ladies from The Red Hat Society at IHOP, and asked if he could join their “gang.”
Nick rode the stationary bike today. The main objective was to find an activity that will help strengthen his right leg. Something he can do at the gym on his own. He practiced his one-legged peddling for a while. I see Spin classes in his future!
Back at Project Walk today, a long journey there and back in the rain. A minor inconvenience is totally worth it because his progress is so astounding. He does this certain exercise, in which he lays on his side and kicks his top leg back into Bri’s hands. Last week, his right leg needed a little assistance to do this. She had to hold his leg steady or it would drop. Not today though. He kicked that right leg back with steadiness and much greater precision. Of course, this action requires the backs of his legs, and now that they’re activating a bit, the maneuver is getting easier. Noticeable daily progress is exciting and motivating!
He also had a fun little interview with a charming 12 year old boy who is making a documentary about Project Walk. His grandmother suffered a spinal cord injury from road biking, so his heart is drawn to helping people with that injury. The short film will be showcasing Project Walk, it’s staff and clients, with hopes to raise awareness and funds for the facility. This is his way to pay it forward. How cool is that?
Well, tomorrow is the big day, Nick is finally taking the official driving test with hand controls. I’m just hoping there’s no written test. The practical will be very easy for him, but I’m sure the written portion would stump many of us. Here’s hoping it all goes smoothly, because absolutely nothing, with regards to getting the hand controls installed in the new car, has gone right up to this point.
Happy Valentines Day. This is a bit of a re-blog, and it’s definitely NOT my style to re-blog, but since I live by these rules I thought it was appropriate to share. This is the secret to mine and Nicks happiness, even through the heart break and despair of losing our love-life as we once knew it.
6 phrases to use for a successful relationship:
1. You look great.
2. Can I help?
3. Let’s eat out.
4. I was wrong.
5. I am sorry.
6. I LOVE YOU.
This is an excerpt from an 85 year old mans life story who had lost his wife after 53 year of marriage. It’s comforting to know we are following in their foot steps (even if I’m the only one with the feet!)
Tonight we decided to celebrate Valentines Day in a very unique way. We invited some friends over to play poker and hang out. We were joined by one other couple and a few single friends. What a fun night! It was the un-Valentine celebration. I think maybe we have started a tradition here.
It’s hard for me to take Valentines Day seriously. I don’t want balloons, roses, red foil wrapped chocolates, stuffed animals, crowded restaurants, jewelry, or unnecesary expectations. Last year Nick took me camping in Joshua Tree and we did a private rock climbing course. Now that’s my idea of romantic. And it was actually a total fluke that our trip landed on VDay. I couldn’t have cared less.
I hope all my friends and loved ones had a fabulous Valentines Day though. But if you didn’t, or you were all alone, just remember, today was just like any other Tuesday, of any other week. There just happens to be a lot of red and pink candy for sale in all the stores.
Tomorrow he returns to Project Walk. He got asked to do an interview for a documentary being filmed tomorrow. A local Carlsbad church is teaching kids about paying it forward. One kid decided to focus on PW. And I guess the pastor of that church visited PW, was wildly impressed, and decided to make a documentary about it. Will find out more details about it tomorrow. Very excited though… for that and the therapy.
Beautiful day for a lake front stroll.
A few things that I’m grateful for today…
-I am grateful to sleep on a comfortable mattress every night.
-I am grateful for having plenty of food to eat, and never knowing what it’s like to go hungry.
-I am grateful for my emotional resilience and the ability to “see the good” in life.
-I am grateful for Nicks help in the kitchen tonight. He juiced for me even though he was in pain and wanting to lay down.
-I am grateful for my physical health and my desire to keep it as I grow older
-I am grateful for our new car. It serves us on a daily basis, making life easier and safer, and allows us to comfortably carry cargo such as a wheelchair, walker, groceries, gym bags and more.
-Love. I am grateful to feel loved.
What are some things you are grateful for?
Today begins the first of two “slow” weeks as far as Project Walk is concerned. He’s only scheduled on Wednesday and Friday. After this two week lull, he begins his permanent schedule of Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays. We both thrive with a bit of structure, so finally having a schedule locked down will help dramatically to increase our productivity and over all quality of life. This week he’s returning to his previous gym training schedule (Tuesday, Thursday, Saturday,) and will combine it with Project Walk for an active 6-day workout week.
Today, we went for a long walk in the drizzly weather at Menifee Lakes. It’s a safe, paved path along a beautiful little man-made lake. He walked three times farther than he did at the beach the other day. We were out there for over 30 minutes, including his brief resting times. There was a slight down/up hill grade and he handled it with pure grace. The hill wouldn’t even be noticeable to a normal person, but for someone with minimal stamina, it was a bit of a challenge. Going down it, he struggled to keep his weight off his arms. His triceps were killing him afterward. Going up the slope, he said he couldn’t quite “figure it out.” I’m still not sure exactly what he meant by that, but I know it has something to do with the lack of flex in his ankles. They don’t roll as he steps, so the placement is critical, and can be super awkward. I guess his knees were locking out when he stepped flat footed. This will certainly be addressed at his next prosthetist appointment, which is hopefully this month.
One of the most significant things about our walk today, is that he was getting sore immediately. Not nerve pain, or bone soreness, but muscle soreness. His butt and the backs of his legs were getting sore, the way they would if you started a brand new workout routine without having worked out in years. This is significant because they were sore from working. This means he was using his glutes and hamstrings to walk, something he really hadn’t noticed before. He really has come a long way in just a few short weeks.
We went bowling to celebrate Shazza’s first annual 39th birthday. Here’s Fener, getting ready to gutter. He was quick to correct me this morning about his score last night; he got 13 points, not 12!
We came back from the beach feeling refreshed and renewed. I’ve said this before, I know. These mini weekend getaways are proving to be critical for us. This week was perfect timing for this because of his early therapy sessions. We were both more relaxed trying to get him there early because the drive time was only a quarter of the usual time.
We spent time on the beach, in the beautiful hotel room, and checking out the town. I got a lot of quality beach time during Nicks therapy and nap times. I took time to feed my soul with jogging, walking, reading, yoga, napping and sand sculpting.
We borrowed the sand wheelchair and let Nick experience the ocean close up. He napped on the sand and enjoyed the sunset too. We had a super fun, yet accidental lunch with friends, and we cooked $4 lobster tails on the hotel BBQ.
On the last night, Nick and I enjoyed a romantic date. We ate sushi and watched live music and dancing. Then we sat on the stairs over looking the dark night and majestic ocean waves. When I got too cold, we took a seat by the outdoor fireplace at the hotel.
Now that we’re back home it’s time to get busy. More swimming, more stretching, more walking and more working out.
Tonight we went bowling for a bad ass friends birthday. Nick bowled for an entire game and got 12 whole points. Bowling used to be a semi hobby for us, so this was certainly not typical for him. Excellent fun though, and he’s really such a good sport. Bowling in a wheelchair looks awkward. It was everything he had to not hit the ball on the wheels. And of course, he refused to use the kiddie ramp. Those 12 points were all him!!
We went there strictly to exercise and enjoy our last few moments at the beach before going home. He walked farther than ever before, and didn’t even fall once. So proud!
How awesome is this contraption? It even has a removable umbrella. We borrowed it from the life guard headquarters, for no charge. It’s much easier to push on the dry sand, than the wet, hard packed sand. What a treat! Still enjoying life, even with the modifications! And that’s what it’s all about!
Go ahead and laugh, you know you want to…
Nick got beat up at therapy today. He pushed around a heavy table, against resistance. He was immediately jello-y and sore. He did some other new stuff too, that I didn’t get to take pictures or video of. I was too busy restoring Nicks phone after I deleted the whole thing last night. I haven’t seen him that bummed in a while. It sounds silly but it was devastating. He thought he lost 15 years of phone numbers, but thankfully I got most all of it back.
Carlsbad is awesome. The beach is peaceful. Our hotel room is incredible. And our company is super fun. I’m glad Seth came down with us for some quality time. Tomorrow he is taking Nick to Project Walk to see the magic happen. I’m sad to be missing it, but happy to spend some alone time at the beach.
By the way, I gave up about the wheelie bars on his wheelchair. They’re off. And every time he hops a curb I have a mini heart attack, but he insists he’s better off without them. I’m choosing my battles, and this is no longer one of them.
He also took a spill in the sand today. Everything started off wrong. Wrong tools, wrong approach, wrong expectations, wrong hand placement. So, he went down. We’ve watched the video now at least 40 times. Each time more hilarious than the last! Sorry Nick, I’m sharing this video because our people must know what a good time we’re having at the beach. We’re laughing at you, not with you!
With one arm around each of our necks, Nick walked from the road to this spot. But not without a small spill first. This is his “I’m exhausted” position.
Nick attempted a new walker trick tonight. A 180* turn around to sit on the attached seat. Here he is showing off the new move!
Nick took a planned day off from Project Walk in order to have an appointment at the DMV for a driving test. Not our choice, and in my opinion, a completely unnecessary head ache. It felt good to send him off by himself though. He was confident and excited to get this over with, especially since it was weeks of paper work and phone calls just to get this appointment set. When he arrived, they asked him 5 questions, and then said he was cleared to set the appointment for the drivers test. What a waste of time! We were told that today was the test. All this to get the hand controls permanently installed in the new car. Ok, we’ll play their game. What’s one more little hurdle in the grand scheme of life? When life doesn’t cooperate with your pre-set plans, change your plans. Stop trying to paddle upstream, it’s bad for your health!
I had an extremely productive day, getting ready to leave for a few days in Carlsbad with Seth Fener. We leave at 7:30 tomorrow morning. There’s so much to do!
Project Walk has dozens of rolling mirrors that are used to help participants watch their form and also make that mind/body connection. Here, Nick is trying to kick his legs back to activate and strengthen his glutes and hamstrings.
Bree is hooking him to the marionette. She is such a bad ass therapist! And no, I’m not just saying it because she might be reading this. We are so stoked on her. She’s the text book definition of a Legit Female!
The harness takes some of his weight, allowing the proper muscles to work while walking, instead of him leaning on his arms.
Back at Project Walk again today. He is so much stronger than just two weeks ago. Instead of using the 40lb setting to hold him standing with the body harness, Bree set it to 30lbs. This forced his core to work overtime to keep him upright. He stood for a long time without using his hands.
Next, Bree put him in a harness on a track (he looked like a puppet on a string) to walk with a walker. He walked very upright, with almost no weight on his arms. This was the best I’ve ever seen him do. We were all beaming with pride! He was exhausted and sweating, after only a few short trips. This contraption allowed him to have a proper body position and use his legs and core instead of his arms for stability. We can’t wait to go back on Wednesday for more.
After a week without his OxyContin, it was finally approved. Without bitching about all the frustrating details, I will say that we learned a critical lesson regarding pharmacies and communication. He could have received the meds last Thursday, but it fell through the cracks, even with Nick calling daily to expedite the process. After a mini fit of anger this morning, we’ve moved on emotionally and are grateful it’s over and that Nick has his meds (until we have to deal with this again next month, and the month after that, and the month after that…)
Last night I received a phone call from an incredible woman named Candice, whom I’ve never met. Her husband Tim Sagehorn was in a terrible skydiving accident at Elsinore on December 8. She found my blog and decided to get in touch. What a brave, selfless, determined, thorough, caring and smart woman!
Tim is still in the hospital with a very bad brain injury and multiple fractures to his lower body. He’s in bad shape. I have faith he will get back to living a fulfilling life, but I know it will be a long road for them. Hearing his story makes me grateful for Nick all over again. I am so grateful we are past those daily battles in the hospital. He has very little support from his own family and was a fairly new jumper as well. I hope Candice doesn’t mind that I also mention they were (are) in the process of a divorce. But despite this, she has been by his side non stop since the day of the accident, living in a hotel room for a month and taking weeks and weeks off of work. Her dedication and perseverance is incredible, her character unshakable, and I was inspired deeply when I spoke with her. Please visit her blog/donation website for Tim. He could really use our support right now. Tim Sagehorn Blog
Yesterday, while at the dropzone, Nick had the privilege of meeting a man who helped save his life. The Swedish man was walking to the airplane for a jump, and stopped to talk to Nick. He was one of the first responders when Nick landed. I’m still a bit unclear whether he actually administered CPR, as I thought Nick was breathing, but unconscious. Nick isn’t sure either because the conversation was brief. But it really made him feel good to meet and thank a fellow jumper who rushed to his aid when he needed it most. Our community is incredible!
Watching the Super Bowl at our house today was fun. We had lots of home made guacamole and veggie pizza, girl scout cookies and beer. Dan Feners team lost, but Madonna at half time made up for it (not really.)
This week is pretty busy for us. Lots of therapy at Project Walk, and a silly driving test at the DMV. Don’t get me started about this baloney (bologna??) They are making him jump through hoops to legally drive with hand controls. And honestly, we don’t care about the legality, but these steps are required by the mechanic in order to get the hand controls permanently installed in the new car. Otherwise, the set he ordered online would suit us just fine. It’s bull shit really, but we will play their game because we have to.
Nick has three early appointments at PW this week, so we will probably be getting a hotel room down there to make it easier on us. Yeah, like staying by the beach for three days is a terrible chore! I like to call it a working vacation. We both deserve it.
There’s a saying about needing to experience the darkness in order to appreciate the light (can’t remember who said it… Confucius? Britney Spears? Bill Gates?) Anyway, thank you God that today was a new day. We woke up feeling good, ready for a kick ass workout at the gym. Nick hasn’t seen Jamon for a week because of Project Walk. Jamon didn’t care, he worked him even harder! I love it that he takes very little mercy on Nick, and treats him like a regular dude. He’s an excellent trainer!
This afternoon we went to the dropzone to jump and see friends. We don’t do this nearly enough. It’s like walking (and rolling) the gauntlet when we arrive. If we went more often, people wouldn’t be so excited to see us. It feels like coming home though. Like I’m taking a quick tour of my old life, saying hello, then returning to reality.
But today was strange for me. The dropzone was extremely busy, and I was overwhelmed with the flooding of stimuli coupled with my own nerves. So if I ignored you, I’m sorry. My head was spinning. The jumps were fun. I made two before heading home.
Nick got lunch, lots of hugs, a chair massage, and a blanket from a stranger because he was cold.
What a great day!
Trying to feel good after a not-so-good week.
Didn’t Mama always say that if you don’t have something nice to say, don’t say anything…?
Okay. Instead, I’ll skate around it with forced gratitude.
Even though the pharmacy doesn’t have his pain meds, I’m grateful that they are at least “working on it.”
Even though I didn’t get to touch it, I’m grateful that I saw the ocean today.
Even though I could barely hold my eyes open during our two hour, traffic nightmare of a drive home, I’m grateful that we made it home safe.
Even though Nick is miserable, I’m grateful that he’s still here.
Even though I’m grumpy and exhausted, I’m grateful that I can still tap into the love in my heart.
Even though life sent us on a major detour, I’m grateful that we are triumphantly braving our own path.
Nick had a rough day today. I feel safe blaming it primarily on the lack of his continued release pain medicine, and the frustration involved in hunting it down. He was on the phone about this damn medicine almost the entire drive down to Project Walk this morning (and yesterday too.) His patience is wearing thin, especially since he’s in pain. But we are putting lots of good energy into getting that prescription filled tomorrow.
He had a great workout, and was very fatigued toward the end. He said he had to dig really deep just to keep going. He was so strong and determined, though visibly tired. I am so proud of him.
I had the privilege of meeting a ridiculously inspiring girl today. I’d like to say it was by chance, but since I’m kind of stalking her, I knew she’d be at Project Walk today! Stalking isn’t the right word, it’s more like anticipating her attendance. Her name is Rachelle. I stumbled upon her amazing story about a month ago, was completely transfixed, and contacted her immediately. This must be how some of the people we’ve never met feel who have contacted us. I just knew I had to meet her. And today I got that chance. She’s at Project Walk for another three weeks of therapy, all the way from North Carolina. I won’t even attempt to re-tell her story, but I encourage everyone to check out her website. She inspired me to seek peace and acceptance through this process of healing. www.rachellefriedman.com One thing I was really impressed with when meeting her, was the smile in her voice, her genuine laugh, and the way she expressed her love for her husband (newly married.) She radiated peace and beauty. And I’m not the only one to notice. The TV show Inside Edition was there doing a program on her and another guy named Anthony (www.walkingwithanthony.org)
We were having a little fun this morning while I cooked breakfast.
How to use a walker, Fener style
I have a confession. I’ve been going to the beach during the first half of Nicks therapy sessions. And it feels GOOD! The fresh air, sunshine, sand between my toes, ocean sounds, and immeasurable feeling of pure freedom, are too much to resist. This is my own little handful of living right now. An hour walking along the water is enough to clear my head of all the junk, and let the creativity flow in. My vision of my future is coming into focus now.
Next up: getting our hands on a sand wheelchair so Fener can join me!
Nick had a rough day today. I feel safe blaming it primarily on the lack of his continued release pain medicine, and the frustration involved in hunting it down. He was on the phone about this damn medicine almost the entire drive down to Project Walk this morning (and yesterday too.) His patience is wearing thin, especially since he’s in pain. But we are putting lots of good energy into getting that prescription filled tomorrow.
He had a great workout, and was very fatigued toward the end. He said he had to dig really deep just to keep going. He was so strong and determined, though visibly tired. I am so proud of him.
I had the privilege of meeting a ridiculously inspiring girl today. I’d like to say it was by chance, but since I’m kind of stalking her, I knew she’d be at Project Walk today! Stalking isn’t the right word, it’s more like anticipating her attendance. Her name is Rachelle. I stumbled upon her amazing story about a month ago, was completely transfixed, and contacted her immediately. This must be how some of the people we’ve never met feel who have contacted us. I just knew I had to meet her. And today I got that chance. She’s at Project Walk for another three weeks of therapy, all the way from North Carolina. I won’t even attempt to re-tell her story, but I encourage everyone to check out her website. She inspired me to seek peace and acceptance through this process of healing. www.rachellefriedman.com One thing I was really impressed with when meeting her, was the smile in her voice, her genuine laugh, and the way she expressed her love for her husband (newly married.) She radiated peace and beauty. And I’m not the only one to notice. The TV show Inside Edition was there doing a program on her and another guy named Anthony (www.walkingwithanthony.org)
I’ve learned the art of saying “I’m sorry.” And so has Nick. These two little words can instantly transform an edgy moment into laughter and a loving embrace. This is definitely my favorite defuser. It’s not the same as saying “It’s my fault.” It’s more like saying, “I love you, and I value our relationship more than I value this temporary feeling of winning.” It’s such an important skill to develop in order to maintain a happy, loving vibe. Even though Fener and I have always had a great relationship, this is particularly important now that emotions can peak in an instant. I feel so sad for people who refuse to humble themselves in this way. It feels good to bow to Nick, to allow him to save face sometimes, and to bypass any hurt feelings that may be looming past a relatively unimportant quarrel. Now, I’m not talking about serious stuff like infidelity and abuse. No. I’m talking about the day-to-day agitations and disagreements, the irritabilities and frustrations. Try it. You might like the way your relationship feels.
So, Nick had his second-opinion appointment regarding the spinal cord stimulator today. We went down to UCSD to see their lead pain specialist. What a great doctor. He recommended that Nick hold off on the stimulator until he is at the peak of his rehabilitation. We agree, and have been feeling this way since Nick got these new pain meds. Now that his pain is under control, we’re not in a rush. It feels good to be operating from a place of power, rather than a place of panic.
When I asked him if he had any other options besides narcotics and the stimulator implant, he recommended marijuana for Nick’s pain. Really? A legitimate doctor, at a teaching hospital, is suggesting pot? He said that many, many of his patients tell him how much marijuana helps with their pain. The only dose specific, oral pill of marijuana is something Nick had already taken in the hospital, and it’s synthetic. They prescribed it to help with his appetite, which it did. But it sure didn’t help with pain. The doctor today couldn’t really prescribe anything though. It was more of an open conversation, discussing, not necessarily endorsing, this “alternative” therapy. Interesting.
Nick standing with the body harness. Bree is pulling his hips forward, and pushing his knees straight. He looked good and felt good. Progress!
Welcome to my new blog format! It’s about time I graduated to something a little more sophisticated. There will no longer be a private messaging section, but there will be the ability to comment on individual posts and pictures. How cool is that!? I’m really excited for the next chapter in Nick Fener blogland. My intention is to keep this blog running forever. It started as a recovery blog, and will continue as a “life after injury blog” and then further transition into an adventure blog. I require a daily outlet for expression, and this is it. I am also writing another blog, about the lessons I’ve learned through this journey, and journeys past. Soon, I’ll be linking the two together. Double the pleasure, double the fun… or something like that.
So, thanks for reading! Thanks for sharing. And thanks for the good thoughts and positive vibes you’ve been sending our way for the past 8 months. I’d have been totally lost with out all the awesome letters of support, love and advice. Really, I mean it!
Nick had another incredible therapy session at Project Walk today. While driving home, he said that his hips finally felt normal while standing today. He couldn’t quite describe what he meant by that, but just that his hips felt normal again. This is only his 3rd session! Today he stood with a body harness supporting about 40 pounds of his weight. This allowed his arms to be free, and forced his core, hips, and legs to do all the work. He was sweating! And it wasn’t easy, but it felt good to him! I am so insanely proud of the progress he is making. I certainly don’t expect life to get back to normal any time soon, but I do expect to see huge changes in the near future. In the meantime, it’s fun to see the daily progress. He’s feeling pretty good too.
Working on squats.
A bit of panic struck this evening at the pharmacy when we couldn’t get Nick’s pain medicine without giving them $600. Of course, we didn’t pay $600 for the prescription; we ended up leaving without it. We are severely frustrated because Nick FINALLY has his pain under control with the use of these new meds, but they’re making it extremely difficult to get our hands on them. Just because there was an epidemic of junkies who would smash them up to snort them, doesn’t mean they’re not legitimately effective for people like Nick who are not abusing them but who need something powerful. We haven’t quite figured out what we’re going to do about this situation, especially since he runs out tomorrow. The added blow, is this is the third pharmacy we’ve dealt with in 8 months. These are the non-fun moments of our lives (like everything else is exceptionally fun, right?)
We also discovered that Nick now has osteoporosis in his hips. It’s hard to believe a once fit, active and healthy dude in his early 30’s could get osteoporosis. But after some research, it seems possible due to Nick’s immobilization and limited weight bearing on his legs. What a bummer. We found out only because Project Walk required a bone density exam prior to admission. During orientation, they asked if Nick would be interested in participating in an in-house trial to track the correlation of bone density and exercise. This would require testing his density regularly. This sounds like a great idea. He’s already started on calcium and vitamin D supplements, plus he’s walking more, so maybe his bones will begin improving naturally. That’s what we’re hoping for anyway.
Nick’s therapy at Project Walk was incredible today. He did a lot of mat work, crawling and core stabilization. He did squats, real sit-ups, and even practiced standing with his hand crutches. We are STILL thoroughly impressed by Project Walk and by Nick’s specialist Bree. We couldn’t be happier there.
“Uncle” Nick, and the cutest little boy on the face of this planet, Tiernan!
There has been a new exciting development in Nicks world that I should have mentioned already. As I’ve said before, Nick is partially paralyzed from the waist down, mainly on the back of his body. His glutes, hamstrings, outer thighs, and “girdle” area are all affected. In those areas, he’s had no muscle function and very diminished sensation. Of course, if this wasn’t the case, I’m sure he would have been running a half marathon by now. Well, on the first day at Project Walk, during the testing, we realized that the function of his butt muscles is starting to return. He can flex his butt cheeks a little bit now. This is a huge improvement from just a few weeks ago when the gluteal muscles wouldn’t fire at all. After 8 months, some of it is returning. What a blessing. We hope all the muscles begin to wake up. Standing and walking unassisted will be extremely difficult if he doesn’t regain function and strength in these muscles. Imagine having no butt muscles. You’d fall over and be severely limited in your daily life. We are just so thrilled to see this improvement. It’s HUGE!
I love it when Nick is up to going out without me. It’s so freeing and liberating. This afternoon, after an ass kicking time at the gym, he visited with some friends at Skydive Elsinore. He saw a lot of friends for the first time since his accident, and got to catch up with so many cool peeps. And he loves to watch people skydive, so it was a double bonus.
After only two sessions at Project Walk, I’m already noticing a difference in myself. I’m deeply inspired. Yesterday there were so many girls there. Many were my age, working their butts off! Some had upper body limitations, and all had lower body limitations. A few were re-learning how to walk with their paralysis, and many were doing mat work to simply allow their body the range of motion outside of their chair.
Project Walk is like any other gym, but specifically tailored to the needs of people with spinal cord injuries. These people are here to work! I’ve been going to the gym for many years and have never found much motivation from the other fit women working out around me. But there’s something about seeing these beautiful women with life altering injuries, pushing through their pain to work out at their gym. It inspires the hell out of me.
These brave women are paying the same amount of money for a single two-hour private training session at Project Walk as I pay for six months of dues at my gym. No insurance covers this specialized training, and there are no price breaks. But it’s worth it, especially for people who cannot physically utilize a typical gym. When I think about the dedication these ladies have, and the obstacles they are overcoming, I am deeply moved to better my own life.
How dare I take my own body and mobility for granted! How pathetic it is to make excuses for neglecting my fitness because I’ve “had a rough year.” What a shame it is that I haven’t been taking the utmost pride in my body and my life while I still have both. Why not fight to keep what I have, instead of letting it slowly slip away? I am the most out of shape I have been in several years, and it makes me so angry that I’ve allowed this to happen. If these incredible girls can get to the gym, despite the extreme costs for their specialized training, and despite their disabilities, obstacles and pain, then I sure can too! I have NO excuses anymore NOT to be healthy and fit. Thank you strong ladies of Project Walk for motivating me to push myself harder physically, and “use it before I lose it.”
Here’s the quickie break down of Nicks low key birthday.
IHOP for veggie omelets and stuffed french toast.
Second therapy session at Project Walk. (His butt is going to be sore tomorrow!)
Traffic.
Romantic dinner and people watching at Stone Brewery in Escondido.
In bed by 8:30pm.
Boo-Yah!
Went out to breakfast this morning for his birthday. Here we are, waiting for a table, sitting side by side on a cushion… because there was no wheelchair to get in our way. He WALKED inside! Getting up and down the curb was tricky, but what he lacked in grace, he made up for with style!
I was quite nervous inside the restaurant with the possibility of Nick getting bumped or knocked over. At this point, it wouldn’t take much, so we were extra cautious and alert. It felt good seeing him walk in public. It was a different social experience than him being in a chair. Because he was noticeably struggling to walk, many more people were openly compassionate toward him. They held doors, they purposefully stepped aside to let him by, they said “God bless you,” they nodded with encouragement and spoke to us with empathy. It’s happened before, sure, but Nick was working HARD just to get in and out of the restaurant. His sheer presence this morning commanded respect! I was so proud!
Happy Birthday from Project Walk! The awesome girls who work there found my You Tube video from day 1, then found this blog and saw that today was Nicks Birthday. They got him cupcakes, candles, a card, and sang Happy Birthday.
See!!! THIS is what I’m talking about. Project Walk is amazing! Thank you all so much for going out of your way to make Nick feel special today. Very, very classy!
Wouldn’t you know, we’ve created a monster with this whole walking thing. The dude wants to walk with his walker all over the place now! In and out of the kitchen, in and out of the car, from one end of the house to the other, showing off to friends. And the best part is that we are both still in shock about it. He’s been walking with parallel bars for three months, and didn’t even try the walker but once. And now that his core is getting stronger, he can hold himself much more steady. He’s walking again! This is just the coolest thing ever!
This has to be the strangest Birthday Nick’s ever had with me. He’s never cared about his birthday, but I’ve always done something cool for him anyway. This year, blah! How could I possibly top a diamond ring like he gave me last month? Besides, if I bought him anything, he would just be (mildly) grouchy about it. So, he’s not getting shit this year! A hug and kiss, and some conversation on our drive to Project Walk tomorrow. That’s about it. Well, I’ll probably feed him at some point tomorrow as well, but I tend to do that daily anyway.
So, Happy Birthday to my honey, the love of my life, my soul mate, my partner in adventure and my partner in sorrow. Happy Birthday to the man who changed my mind about love and commitment, who showed me how to be a healthy communicator, who has held my hand through some of the worst moments of my life and wiped my tears more times than I can remember. Happy Birthday to the adrenalin junkie plumber who skydived into my life, swept me off my feet, then ran one of them over, and forever changed my philosophy about how to live a happy life. Happy Birthday to the most handsome man on Earth (in my eyes!), the caring boyfriend (err, fiancé) who chooses his battles wisely, handles my feelings and opinions with the utmost respect, and always knows exactly when to apologize. Happy 34th to the man who cares more about the health of our relationship than the status of his ego or pride. Here’s to the man I am madly in love with, all 4 foot 8 inches of him, and to many, many more blissful years together as the ultimate teammates. But even after all of that, there’s really no need to get carried away about birthdays (except mine, of course,) because, like Nick has always said, “Everyday is like Valentine’s Day when we’re together.”
I’m having trouble forming an intelligent sentence out of the words I’d like to use to describe my first impression of Project Walk. Amazing, incredible, thorough, welcoming, class act, genuine, confident, inclusive, affirming, young-hearted, happy, and supportive. From the moment we walked through the door, we were treated like royalty, personally guided through the orientation process. We felt wanted and significant, and that Nick’s recovery is truly important to every person on their staff. It was a young crowd, both staff and patients. What a welcome change! We spent quite a bit of time with one of the co-founders, met many different therapists (most of whom Nick will never even work with), three different schedulers, and Nick’s client services coordinator. They took video and pictures of his session, and had two to three “specialists” with him at all times. We heard stories of quads and paras who eventually walked out of there, and saw many people with similar injuries working very hard.
It turns out Nick is the first ever amputee they’ve worked with. Because it’s specifically a spinal cord injury place, they only accept people with that injury. And I guess it’s fairly rare for people to have both SCI and amputations. Lucky Nick! The staff was fascinated with him. It was really cool to see.
They ran him through a testing process to measure his current level of function. I know his work with Jamon at the gym has paid off immensely, because those tests were easy for him. The co-founder even commented, “Are we sure he’s even paralyzed?” They see a lot of patients with very severe spinal cord injuries who have very limited mobility. Nick is coming to them with a lot of function compared to many others. He really IS lucky. They didn’t say he’d be an “easy” case, but his specialist did say she is excited to work with him because he’s going to get much faster results than normal. She said it’s a bit of instant gratification for her. We can live with that!
When he got on the walker and started trucking along without help, we were both so surprised. But really, our first clue should have been the other day when he walked with the hand crutches. And just because he could get up with the walker on day one, doesn’t mean that the road will be easy. It’ll be a lot of hard work, but absolutely do-able. We gained a lot of confidence from Project Walk today. We left there knowing, without a doubt, that it’s not a matter of “if” Nick gets his life back, it’s a matter of “when.”
His specialist Bree decided it would be most beneficial for Nick to come everyday (Monday – Friday) for the next few weeks. He’ll start this Friday, which also happens to be Nick’s birthday. She said that daily appointments will allow her to quickly work through some of the minor issues Nick is having. After a few weeks, he’ll be going there three times a week, and continuing for however long it takes for him to walk unassisted.
I think it’s pretty clear that we were truly impressed today. The facility is enormous, with three industrial sized rolling doors they keep open to let fresh air in. The whole place felt open and airy, bright and inviting. The equipment is plentiful and absolutely state of the art. It’s roomy, with tons of therapy tables, so you never feel like you’re on top of the other patients. There are mens and women’s locker rooms with full showers, lockers and changing areas. They even have an in-house massage therapist and acupuncturist who specializes in spinal cord injuries. His specialty is in bowel/bladder/sexual function. Nick will hopefully be seeing him this Friday, but for sure next week. We’ve been looking for a massage therapist for him, so I hope he’s as good as they say. With the intensity of this therapy, a weekly massage is definitely warranted, and long overdue.
Starting Project Walk today feels so right. It was just like coming home. This is the next chapter in Nick’s recovery and the beginning of his new life. We have no idea how long this chapter will last, and really don’t care. We refuse to have unrealistic expectations get us down the way they did when Nick first got his legs. We’re in this for the long haul, and we’re prepared to do the work. Bring it!
Look how straight he is!! And his new shoes; look at those too!
Day 1 at Project Walk. This was Nicks first attempt with a walker. He surprised us both. Moments later, while still walking, he said, “I didn’t know I could do this. Maybe I should have tried this BEFORE coming here.” Absolutely incredible!!
(Source: http://www.youtube.com/)
Only one more sleep until Project Walk!!! We can hardly stand it, we are so excited. We got all the required items including elbow and knee pads. He got a new pair of shoes and a fresh haircut too. I’m not kidding, we are ready! Carlsbad here we come.
Time for some new kicks. This is Nicks cheater method for an optimal shoe shopping experience.
“If I focus on today, the big picture will take care of itself.”
–Mark Beaumont – fastest cyclist to circumnavigate the world
With absolutely nothing planned for today, Nick and I decided that a day date was the perfect way to spend our last day off before starting Project Walk. We went to a matinee movie at the mall. It’s probably been about two years since we’ve seen a movie in the theatre, so this was definitely another “first” since Nicks accident. We weren’t sure if he could sit there for an entire movie, but he did fine. He was definitely sore and fidgety at the end though. I really think that Mission Impossible was so action packed that he mostly just forgot that he was uncomfortable.
While down at the mall, we took my engagement ring to be resized. I’ve almost thrown it off my finger a few times. I’d be devastated to lose that ring, so making it smaller was essential. I really hate not wearing it. Looking forward to picking it up tomorrow and never taking it off again.
With a straight face, Nick rolled up to a chair massage kiosk at the mall and asked four different therapists for a foot massage. No apologies, explanations or giggles, Nick wanted a foot massage. And I was prepared to sit and wait for 15 minutes while some dude performed foot reflexology on Nicks rubber feet. But this place didn’t offer foot massages. Damn it.
And I just can’t help but share my favorite photo from our trapeze lesson the other day. Honestly, this picture really is worth a thousand words. It was a really, really, ridiculously cool experience!
Me and my Daddy. He’s almost 79 years old and still stubborn as an ox, and I love him. Nick and I hang out with him every week or two. Sometimes he comes over and cuddles with Big Dog and watches football. Sometimes we meet for a meal. Sometimes he comes over to Nicks Moms house, where “he is always welcome.” Tonight we met at Islands for dinner. I love this picture, he looks so happy!
Nick and I are not religious or Biblical people. Not at all. But we believe in God, specifically in our own experiences of God. We have formed, and continue to form, our spiritual beliefs by taking bits and pieces from various sources that make sense to us. One such idea that we subscribe to is the law of attraction. Like attracts like; thoughts become things; we are constantly creating. And boy, is it sobering and confusing to understand the significance of Nicks accident when looked at from the perspective that we attracted this into our world. Unintentionally, of course. But still…
Well, this brings me to something that happened last week that I forgot to write about. I was invited to attend a talk at the newly opened Law of Attraction Center in Temecula. My friends “parenting guru” was going to be the guest speaker. And even though I’m not a parent, I decided to check it out. Surely I would gain something from it. And of course I did! When my girlfriend and I were walking up to the building last Sunday afternoon, the door flew open and out came Julie, our hypnotherapist, screaming my name! Talk about a warm welcome at a new place! As I came to find out, The Law of Attraction Spiritual Center is her creation. I had no idea! I was invited to go there by a friend (whom never met Julie), and it was only their second meeting ever. How cool is that?
Julie (Jewels) had us all write down an intention for the week and we placed it into a beautiful red jeweled box. She then guided us through a powerful meditation to help us set our intention into motion. The guest speaker was Sandi Schwartz, giving an exceptional talk on leading edge parenting. But her information really pertained to life in general, not just parenting. I left feeling full of love and energy. It was a great experience.
I went back again today. The place is small, the vibe is welcoming and casual, and because they’re just getting started, it’s an un-crowded intimate environment. While today’s guest speaker lacked the vibrance that Sandi had, I still got a lot out of his talk. And truly, Jewels is really awesome, so I wonder why she needs a guest speaker at all. Next week there is no guest speaker, it’s just Jewels. I’m very excited. She’s a wonderful lady, with a big heart, trying to spread the principles of the law of attraction, while helping others along the way. And since the damn football play-offs are finally over, Nick will be joining me next week. The center’s website is www.loaspiritualcenter.com
Jamon, Nicks trainer, says, “When you don’t feel like working out, that’s when you need it the most.” I guess Nick needed it really badly today. He went from zero energy at the start, to finishing strong with no pain, limited fatigue, and asking to go 30 more minutes. Wow! He felt great after his hour work out. I love that! Must be all the feel-good feelings from yesterday’s news from Project Walk spilling over to this morning.
We had a very special unexpected guest this afternoon. An old skydiving buddy who moved back to Canada a few years ago, and whom we obviously haven’t seen since Nicks accident, called us this afternoon and said he was in town and coming over. I know this makes Chopiak sound like a dick (cause he is), but we were really glad to see him! Just rousing his feathers here. He’s a super cool dude, and the randomness of seeing him today was just perfect!
Today, we celebrate 8 months sober. But not from alcohol, (of course not.) Eight months of sober reality, since Nick’s accident in May. What a journey. To celebrate, he walked the stairs three times today. That really wore him out. But the real celebratory moment came around 12 noon, when Nick received the long awaited phone call from Project Walk. He’s been accepted into their program, and his first appointment is Wednesday! We are ridiculously excited. We wish we could time travel to Wednesday and begin already. It’s been two months since he’s had a proper physical therapy session. So, we’ll be going down to Carlsbad three or so times a week, for two hour sessions, for however long it takes to get him walking unassisted. The Project Walk program is not cheap, but will hopefully be worth every penny. This is where a good chunk of the fundraising monies will be going. With the right tools, Nick’s intense efforts and consistency will translate into amazing results. I look forward to documenting every milestone along the way. Project Walk seems like a really awesome place and we are so grateful to be able to go there.
Yesterday I tried something new; something unique and challenging. I went flying on a trapeze with some of my friends! Nick came along to watch and be our full time videographer. We took a ninety minute group lesson and learned some cool flying tricks. You’d think a bunch of experienced skydivers wouldn’t bat an eye at a two story, fully netted, trapeze rig. No way! We were all so nervous up there. Climbing the ladder, and standing on the edge was the worst part! But once I stepped off, I found a new level of focus and raw elation that I haven’t experienced in a very, very long time. The swinging and falling, flipping and grabbing, was all very addicting. For our last trick, we hopped off the edge, holding on to the bar. At full swing, we pulled our legs up over the bar, hooked our knees and let go with our hands. This was all perfectly timed so we could transfer from our bar while still upside down, across the trapeze set, and into the other persons arms. All this before swinging safely down to the net. What a rush!
After the trapeze shenanigans, we dragged our exhausted bodies over to our friend George’s house, and into his gorgeous hot tub. This was good for me, as I was already feeling how fatigued my shoulders and hamstrings were. This was great for Nick, because his shoulders and hamstrings are ALWAYS fatigued. We got him in and out of the hot tub with no problem. But sitting on the cement seats in the spa was very uncomfortable for him. He just kept moving around, keeping most of the weight on his arms. Still, it was soothing for the muscles. We need to do more of this!
One (of the many) things that I love about Nick, is how much he says, “I love you.” He tells me a lot. Like, all day long. And it’s perfect, every time. But my favorite time that he tells me this, is when he randomly wakes from a shallow sleep, while I’m still up in bed blogging. He usually falls asleep before I finish my business, and if he gets jarred awake, he will grab me, and in a sleepy haze, tell me “I love you. You’re amazing.” Then he’ll immediately conk out again. I love that!
Nick celebrating 8 months post accident by climbing the stairs at our house.
(Source: http://www.youtube.com/)
Haven’t felt like writing in a few days. Been painting for my therapy instead. Both are equally satisfying at the time, however, I do not feel a sense of panicky guilt when I don’t paint for four days.
We’ve had a lot of different friends around this past week. Thank God, because I love my friends. They keep me sane! Yesterday was our first evening home alone in almost a week, and just when we thought everything was okay, it all went to hell. Nick had another phantom pain attack like the one he had in Hermosa. In his good leg! It came on with no warning, and lasted for over two hours, completely crippling him.
This is the second time it’s happened, and we are totally baffled by it. He says it feels like someone is stabbing his left foot. And aside from the night his legs were amputated, he says it’s the worst pain yet. What a maddening, hopeless feeling to watch him endure this level of pain. I was so relieved when it went away finally and he went to sleep. I tried everything to relieve his suffering. At one point he took an entire pain pill (that typically wouldn’t help phantom pains) hoping it would just knock him out. I have to admit, we’re both a little scared of this now. What if he keeps having these attacks? That thought is just too much to bear.
We’re still waiting to get into Project Walk, and in the meantime, still doing therapy at home. Today, he had a huge break through. My hopes for him have new vigor after witnessing him walk earlier. He used his hand crutches, and took off walking down our hallway, with only a light shadowing from his buddy (I was filming.) His friend didn’t even touch him; Nick was doing it on his own! Nick only faltered once, and was quickly caught and repositioned to continue on his journey. This was definitely my favorite therapy moment to date! He’s getting stronger, and sturdier, and he WILL be fully mobile again one day. I KNOW it!
One of my best friends had her parents out visiting from Idaho this weekend. What a great excuse to get the girls together (and Nick) and go for Thai food! Such a fun night and it was so nice to see Anita and Tim again.
MIA napping on Nicks neck. They are so dang cute, I can hardly stand it!
Nicks old school, long time buddy, Vinnie, is one of our heroes! Not only did he build us the sturdy and versatile therapy table that Nick uses daily, he built us hand rails for the stairs outside our house. For years, our guests have been braving the steep, treacherous, concrete steps with nothing to hold on to. But not anymore. Our primary reason for the railings is for therapy. Nick wants to be able to practice stairs more frequently as he gets better. And now he will be able to. A huge thanks to Vinnie, even though he doesn’t read the blog!
When rubbed the right way, Nicks nubs can feel a lot like women’s breasts. But don’t take our word for it, feel for yourself!
Nick and I decided to go to the gym at separate times this morning. This is significant because our “morning routine” is quite extensive, and requires my participation. Well, I only helped him with part of it, and went about my own business, leaving him to sort out the rest. By doing it this way, it finally turned out that we both got killer workouts. Afterward, as I drove away from Nick and the gym, alone, I realized what an incredible milestone this is. He was on his own! And I wasn’t nervous or worried one bit, even knowing that he was going to get gas for the car as well. Apparently, he gased it up with no problems. Last time we got gas, I did all the work, but he got out and pretended he was doing it, just to see if it would be possible. And it is, so long as he pulls up close enough that he can hang onto the pump machine.
We had a wonderfully relaxing few hours at home, cuddling with the MIA dog, napping and watching football. Maybe relaxing isn’t the appropriate term. More like recovering.
This evening we met a few friends for a special birthday dinner at Hana Sushi in Canyon Lake. We felt very grateful to be invited, as we know he doesn’t “do” birthday celebrations. Plus we’re all so busy, we hadn’t been able to get together yet. What a perfect opportunity though. We only planned to meet up with four friends, but as I may have said before, “You can’t take Nick anywhere!” He ran into so many people he knew tonight. One of our friends calls him “a bit of a local celebrity.” I agree. Not only has he grown up in this area, but his face was all over the local newspapers for months after his accident. Add to that the fact that he’s a loud personality in a wheelchair with two fake legs. Yeah, you really CAN’T take him anywhere.
I went skydiving today. It was super bad ass, gnarly awesomeness! My girlfriend Kim did her 300th jump, and I knocked the dust off. It had been two months since my last jump, and with these two today, I’m up to a whopping nine skydives since Nick got hurt.
I’m so thankful that Nick enjoys going to the dropzone to see friends and watch me jump. Laying on a lounge chair in the shade was perfect for today since his back was unusually sore. He’s been working really hard at the gym, so it’s making him sore again.
Today he tried something new while walking. He used a crutch on one arm while walking inside the parallel bars. He was so steady. What a beautiful sight. It won’t be long until he is steady enough to only use crutches. And that’s where Project Walk will come into play.
I thought this was pretty cool. This was the first time Nick stood to brush his teeth. During the two minute session, he had to sit once, but quickly got back up. There was a lot of strain on his right arm and shoulder, which had been bothering him lately anyway. It’s the little things like this, that really excite us!
Today has been a little bit emotional for me, as every January 12th has been for the past four years. It’s the anniversary of my Mom’s death. Her life, and her death, both readied me for my current role in Nick’s recovery. She was sick my entire life. In fact, some of my earliest memories are of visiting her in the hospital. But in 1999, when I was only 18, she had her first stroke, leaving her unable to care for herself. I went from daughter to mother in an instant. I withdrew from my first semester of college at Cal State Long Beach, and took on the role of caretaker for her for the next five years. After almost a year, when things settled down, I was able to return to college, and eventually get a job as well. But she was never independent again. Coincidently, she had her second stroke a few days prior to my first skydive in 2004, which debilitated her even further, to the point that I could no longer care for her myself. Sadly, I was forced to transfer her to live in a rehabilitation facility, where she lived for the rest of her life.
Taking care of her, at such a young age, certainly was not the same as taking care of Nick now. I was bitter then, much less patient, and constantly wondering “why me?” But despite my emotional immaturity, I gained invaluable experience throughout my trials. Medicines, hospitals, doctors, comas, therapy, social workers, pain. Nick’s hospital experiences often reminded me of the good ol’ days. Our current day-to-day is very similar to what it was then, except that Nick and I are always laughing, smiling and feeling gratitude for what we have.
My Mom was an interesting person, living with a head full of turmoil. She never liked any of my boyfriends, and very few of my friends. But she loved Nick. (Who doesn’t?) She felt comfortable with him, she trusted him, and probably understood that he was here to stay. Nick never complained when I’d drag him around to my Mom’s place. He used to have fun with her, pushing her wheelchair, tipping her back, and telling her jokes. She felt so comfortable with him, that she eventually took her last breath while he was holding her hand. They were alone in her hospital room while I stepped out to make a quick phone call. I think she felt safe with him, and relied upon his strength to make that ultimate transition out of this life and into the next great adventure. That was the first time I ever saw Nick cry. He realized the significance of her choosing to die in his company. What an emotional time. He lifted my spirit when I needed him the most. If it weren’t for Nick’s love and support that day and that year, I may have never made it out of there with my sanity. These days, I like to think that I’m just repaying him that favor.
We went for a lengthy stroll at this lake in Menifee this afternoon. It’s a nicely groomed, flat walk way, with a beautiful scenery, and no cars. Perfect for exercising. MIA dog loved it too!
Nicks up and at ‘em today. Been doing most of our driving too. He’s feeling a lot better these days. Thank God! So, he drives without his legs attached. But when we park, I get the chair from the back, set it beside the car, and he swings around to put his legs on and transfer into the wheel chair. Nothing to it! It’s really nice to have a vehicle that fits our needs, and is not about to break down. We’ll be much safer and more comfortable driving back and forth to Project Walk for the next several months. Awesome!!
This was a jump for the log book. Definitely one of my most memorable skydives. For my birthday in 2008, Nick decided to surprise me by taking me on my first ever tandem skydive. I had already made hundreds of jumps at this point, so this was definitely a unique experience. Oh, and he had just received his tandem rating less than a month before this. I’ve done hundreds of jumps with Nick, both for fun and work. But this particular skydive is so special because we rode together, flew under the same parachute, and even had a malfunction together. How romantic! You know what they say: A family that cuts away together, stays together.
I post this picture today, because January 11 is the anniversary of my first skydive, eight years ago. I can’t help but reminisce. Although skydiving has contributed to much pain and anguish in my life, through the loss of friends and now Nick’s injury, skydiving has given me more than I could ever calculate. I fell in love with skydiving instantly, from the second I stepped out of that otter door eight years ago. I have never looked back. My friends at the time didn’t understand, nor were they even slightly interested in my new found passion, and my Mom hated it. She could not wrap her brain around it and cried any time it got brought up. But this was a passion I just couldn’t deny. I was addicted.
I’ve lost several friends in the sport, shed many tears, and spent many, many hours with my heart and stomach in knots. I’ve never gotten over some of these losses. But still, that hasn’t stopped me. Three years ago I became an instructor and began skydiving everyday, making between 50-110 jumps per month. Nick and I worked closely together. We lived and breathed our work, so much so, that it never really felt like work. It was passion in action. Sometimes we would work 7 days a week, for weeks on end, introducing strangers to our world. In fact, that’s how it was until the week before Nick’s accident.
Through the sport of skydiving, I’ve met the most incredible people I’ve ever known. Sometimes skydivers have a bad rap for being crazy, mindless thrill seekers. But somehow Nick and I have managed to attract the most caring, loyal, mindful, adventurous, smart and witty people into our circle of sky family. My skydiving friends are some of the happiest, most balanced, well rounded people I’ve known. They have the same desires as Nick and I, to seek like minded people to share our most beautiful life experiences with. Most skydivers know how to really live life. Nick and I met while skydiving, and we thank God everyday for the loving support of our skydiving community during this shitty time.
Nick getting hurt didn’t steal my love for skydiving. I still love it; I just don’t crave it like I used to. Suddenly it is no longer my world. Other things in life are just much more important right now. But that’s ok. Life goes in cycles. I know I will return to the sky on a more frequent basis as Nick recovers. I’ve been blessed to make seven incredibly thrilling, yet comforting skydives since Nick got hurt. And I’m in the process of returning to working as a skydiving instructor on a very part time basis in the very near future.
This accident miraculously didn’t diminish Nick’s love of jumping. I think he just tries not to think about it, because he knows it’s not a possibility at this time. He is committed to returning to the sky one day, hopefully sooner rather than later. The docs say he can jump, if he feels up to it, one year after his last back surgury. So Nick has his calendar marked for August 18th of this year. His appetite for experiencing life and adventure is still there, we’re just on a little detour right now.
We’ve changed our minds. I know we created all this hubbub about going to The Challenge Center, but we’ve changed our minds. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with The Challenge Center, except for the fact that we just can’t get him in there in a timely fashion. He’s applying for Project Walk instead! Project Walk is another spinal cord rehabilitation center located in San Diego. Our friend Koji went there, and we’ve heard of incredible stories from their participants. We’re really excited. He spent a lot of time yesterday and today getting everything organized with the application and admission process and scheduling their required bone density exam. His exam is set for this Thursday, and then he should be having his first appointment next week or the week after. It’s going to come fast. It’s really hard to believe we’ve waited so long for this program. But at the same time, I’ve read about people beginning therapy with Project Walk eight years later. Seven months post-accident is nothing. Nick still has miles and miles of improvement to go. And that is a comforting feeling.
Today I spent quite a bit of time organizing facts and data and adding to the write-up I’m doing about our experience with Nicks canopy manufacturer, Precision Aerodynamics. I know it’s taking me forever to get this done. I’m not very good at this type of writing. Actually, I just don’t enjoy it, and I think that’s the problem. The subject matter pisses me off too, maybe that has something to do with it. I could pour my heart out on a keyboard in most conditions, but an essay-style fact sheet requires undisturbed silence. This makes me feel like I’m in High School all over again. Its almost done, and I promise to finish it in a reasonable length of time. Whatever that means.
Nick and I have decided to enroll in a community college class for the spring semester. Don’t expect anything fancy, like World Religions or Statistics. We’re taking a 1 unit, once a week, beginner guitar class. He can already play a little bit, and I am completely musically illiterate. But since I’m making a habit of uncovering hidden creative talents, I figure I should give myself an opportunity to discover if music and I get along. Oh, and it’ll be fun, and a bit frustrating too, I’m sure. We’d both like to learn to read music, and I want to be able to play The Beatles’ Let It Be, Pearl Jam’s Alive and U2’s Beautiful Day. Ambitious thinking I know, that I could learn these classic inspiring songs. Or maybe I’ll just learn to strum. Either way, I’ll be happy.
